Joy Comes In The Morning?

They say joy comes in the morning. I don't know that I will ever see the light of day.  

Things I'm most sad about right now...

I will never know what it's like to feel a baby move inside me. 

I will never have stretch marks I can wear with pride. 

I will never know what that moment is like when the labor has finished and the baby is placed in your arms. 

I will never see the look on my husband's face as he sees the first glimpse of our child. 

I will never look at my child and see my genes. I will never look at my child and see Stephen's genes. 

I will never have nine months to prepare. 

I will never be able to control the circumstances of my baby's conception or prenatal care. 

I will have to prove I am fit to be a mother. 

I will have to prove my home is safe for a baby. 

I will have to subject myself, my home and my family to the judgmental eyes of others just to be given the chance to possibly be chosen and seen fit to be given a baby. 

These are just a few of the things I'm grieving right now as this chapter closes. I don't know what's next and I don't know where we go from here but I do know I am heartbroken and only God is going to be able to fix this.