I'm going to be honest; at the beginning of the month when everyone started posting the "Day1: I am thankful for..." November routine, I wanted nothing to do with it. It's great that everyone else is thankful but living in the dead of night with no morning in sight just continuous mourning in my heart, I rejected it and this month of Thanksgiving. My negative attitude stayed with me all month until God used beautiful Lizzie Wallace to give me a big slap of "seriously" in the face. As I sat visiting with her two Mondays ago, we were discussing life and that Stephen and I had reached the end of our journey of trying to conceive. She looks at me and says, "I can't have kids either." The weight of that statement hit hard. It was in that very moment the floods of I am thankful for....came to the front of my thoughts. Lizzie helped snap me back to reality. Yes infertility is awful BUT look at what I do have: the love of an amazing savior who allows me to be a selfish ungrateful "b" as I go through this process of mourning and loves me none the less, an amazing husband who has put aside his mourning to be my rock, a family that while they often don't know what to say or do are just there to love us, my health (let's be honest a barren body is nothing in the grand scheme of things!) an amazing church family, choir and Sunday school, along with numerous friends new and old, a house, a college community group with amazing students (God knew I would need them this year) and the list goes on and on. I now realize that in my mourning I have actively been rejecting God's blessings. So thank you Lizzie Wallace for slapping me with a HEAVY dose of reality and helping me to slowly move forward. There are more good days than bad and I am grateful.
As we head into the Christmas season will you please keep us in your prayers. I don't know why but it is always a hard time of year. Everything seems to revolve around families and children. Pray God will continue to grant me mercy for my attitude. Pray that I will feel whole and complete with my family of two. Christ is my foundation and I know he is here and will never leave me. Pray I will lean into him with my grief rather than away from him. I cannot imagine what these past four years would have been like without his love and mercy!
Finally, I pray for you. I pray that you too know His love and mercy in the middle of your struggle, whatever it may be.
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