Is My Anger Justified?

I have pretty much for the past month been able to offer grace and forgiveness to Lillian's parents. Lillian was never really ours to begin with regardless of the words spoken to us, the promises made and the feelings of love we developed in a matter of hours. But I found myself last night and this morning angry at them; no, more like furious!  I want to write them a letter and ask what they were thinking, to beg them to never do this again to another couple.  How could they sit before us proclaiming to have watched a close relative struggle with infertility and failed adoption, that they wanted a couple who didn't already have any kids, that they would never do to us what had been done to their family member.  But what good would that do. They could care less what we think. They don't know us from Adam. (Except for knowing our hearts and souls and our complete infertility story, my hopes and fears with adoption and my struggles with the thought of what I am missing by not carrying my own baby and a great detail about both of our families). When I really let myself think about it I get pissed off and worked up about it all. They had every right to change their minds. Lillian was not ours to take but theirs to place. It is the fact they did not have the decency to tell us that really gets me angry. All it would have taken was one phone call to us, Heartbeat or the lawyer. A simple, we are sorry but we've changed our minds.  I am left wondering if my anger is even justified?  Am I allowed to be angry that I have lost something that was never really mine to begin with?  Even though I want to be angry and bitter I must force myself to let it go. I am choosing to offer grace so I must chose to not be angry. 

Closure

We found out Lillian was born two weeks ago. It is a long story, but she is healthy and was placed in a foster home. We are glad to know she is here and well.  She will never be ours but will always have a piece of our hearts. Pray that God will protect her and she will always feel loved. Also pray that she along with her parents (if they do not already) will know the love of our God and the power of forgiveness through Christ.   

The Day I Knew You Existed

Below is a journal entry I wrote on a day that I experienced pure joy. Since then my world has been turned upside down....

"Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Precious child of mine,

Today is the day I found out you existed.  Dee from heartbeat called to confirm your dad and I had turned in our adoption profile to her. About three hours later she asked me to come over to speak with her. She handed me a paper with your birth parents names and a phone number. They had chosen us out of all the profiles. They wanted to speak with us before meeting in person. I had a hard time getting ahold of your dad. He was out trapping at the lake. Ironically enough it was his love of hunting that drew your birth dad to our profile. I finally got ahold of him and told him the news. There was a couple who wanted to speak with us. They were having a girl and due next Monday.  It was you!  We met with Dee around 4:30, to discuss how the process works and headed to Dr. Vineyard's office to call on the speaker phone. Your birth mom and birth dad love you so much. They know they cannot provide for you the life you deserve and have chosen us to be your mom and dad. We are shocked, ecstatic and nervous. We have only known of your existence for 12 hours and we love you already.  Soon I will be able to post this and share our news with the world.

Lillian Piliana Wyatt, today is the day you have been made known to us, but you have been known by the Creator since the beginning of time. He knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of your days. You are not only loved by your birth parents and us, most importantly you are loved by your Savior!  I pray you will feel His love all the days of your life.

Hopefully waiting,
Momma"

...Things went great with our meeting with the birthparents. They wanted me there in the delivery room, they were easy to talk with and seemed extremely confident in their decision. DV examined birthmom and I heard my babies heartbeat. I saw her body formed in another woman's womb. Her spine, head and arms moving about. We had an appointment the next day with the lawyer at 1:00. Birthparents at 10:00. They did not show but called. They had car trouble but rescheduled for 3:30. Shortly after our meeting was over at 2:00 the lawyer called to say they showed up but did not sign the papers. We finally got a hold of them Friday night. They explained they are not changing their minds, nothing has changed. They just need to show our profile to birthmom's mom and aunt and uncle who are questioning the legitimacy of Heartbeat and us. Stephen called Sunday night to remind them to get the bloodwork done Monday so it will be ready for Wenesdays appointment and to set up a meeting time. Then he called again Monday morning around 11:00.  When we still had not heard anything after lunch I left them a message about one this afternoon asking them to please call us back.  My heart cannot take this and that it's okay if they have changed their minds but to  please call us and tell us either way.  It is 6:00 pm right now. I don't anticipate they will call. I feel like I have miscarried all over again. 

I was okay with 2014, not being the year. I had even started to become okay with the thought of us never being parents and then this happens, put of nowhere. A wound has been reopened and for what. God, what is the purpose?!  Do you hate us?  What have we done?  We serve you and want others to know your unconditional love. Right now you seem so far away.