Advents First Sunday

Doing day one of my advent study and the scripture is Isaiah 9:6-7. The prophet is telling of the coming Messiah. What stuck out most from the devotional was God's faithfulness. It took 700 years for this prophesy to be fulfilled but IT WAS. The reflection section reminds us that as we are waiting for Christ's second coming HE IS....right now at work in our hearts, HE IS...our wonderful counselor, mighty God and Prince of Peace. 

I thought of a special friend who is traveling the road of infertility and felt compelled to say a special prayer for her as she continues in her place of waiting.  She is but the face of many, possibly even you dear reader, who will celebrate this holiday season longing for empty arms to be made full. If this is you, just as I prayed for her tonight I also pray for you; as you wait expectantly, in those darkest moments HE IS your peace. 

While there is no way to know what the earthly outcome of your waiting will be, I can say with confidence God has something EXCELLENT in store for you!

The Pain of Holidays

I just want to acknowledge that Easter can be an extremey difficult time for those who are inferior, um...infertile (how auto correct just summed up the whole point of this post on its own).

As Christians we spend the day focused on the resurrection of our Lord and Savior but we also spend a day revolved around children and how cute they are hunting Easter eggs in their Sunday best. Post after post on Facebook can get even the strongest down. The first few pictures you think, "awe isn't that cute," especially those of your close friends. But as the day goes on picture after picture, blow after blow so easily turns to bitterness, anger and jealousy rears its ugly head.  Inferior to the masses who have their little blessing(s) from God.  You want to be grateful for what you do have and truly celebrate the amazing gift of the cross, but this struggle, it sometimes takes over and consumes you. You know God is there and you want to have faith but what does that really mean?  Faith may mean one day you will celebrate with little ones of your own but it may also mean you will always only celebrate with all your nieces and nephews and that is a  HARD pill to swallow. 

So I ask all you families to remember at some the most exciting times of the year for you as a family there are those hurting:  some silently; some not. 

And while I cannot write from experience for those who are single, I can imagine their thoughts towards those who are married either with or without children are similar. 

This post is dedicated to all those who struggled yesterday. Your array of emotions are all valid and it is okay to have them. Praying a special prayer for you today as you deal with the Easter Hang Over Blues!

Is My Anger Justified?

I have pretty much for the past month been able to offer grace and forgiveness to Lillian's parents. Lillian was never really ours to begin with regardless of the words spoken to us, the promises made and the feelings of love we developed in a matter of hours. But I found myself last night and this morning angry at them; no, more like furious!  I want to write them a letter and ask what they were thinking, to beg them to never do this again to another couple.  How could they sit before us proclaiming to have watched a close relative struggle with infertility and failed adoption, that they wanted a couple who didn't already have any kids, that they would never do to us what had been done to their family member.  But what good would that do. They could care less what we think. They don't know us from Adam. (Except for knowing our hearts and souls and our complete infertility story, my hopes and fears with adoption and my struggles with the thought of what I am missing by not carrying my own baby and a great detail about both of our families). When I really let myself think about it I get pissed off and worked up about it all. They had every right to change their minds. Lillian was not ours to take but theirs to place. It is the fact they did not have the decency to tell us that really gets me angry. All it would have taken was one phone call to us, Heartbeat or the lawyer. A simple, we are sorry but we've changed our minds.  I am left wondering if my anger is even justified?  Am I allowed to be angry that I have lost something that was never really mine to begin with?  Even though I want to be angry and bitter I must force myself to let it go. I am choosing to offer grace so I must chose to not be angry. 

The Day I Knew You Existed

Below is a journal entry I wrote on a day that I experienced pure joy. Since then my world has been turned upside down....

"Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Precious child of mine,

Today is the day I found out you existed.  Dee from heartbeat called to confirm your dad and I had turned in our adoption profile to her. About three hours later she asked me to come over to speak with her. She handed me a paper with your birth parents names and a phone number. They had chosen us out of all the profiles. They wanted to speak with us before meeting in person. I had a hard time getting ahold of your dad. He was out trapping at the lake. Ironically enough it was his love of hunting that drew your birth dad to our profile. I finally got ahold of him and told him the news. There was a couple who wanted to speak with us. They were having a girl and due next Monday.  It was you!  We met with Dee around 4:30, to discuss how the process works and headed to Dr. Vineyard's office to call on the speaker phone. Your birth mom and birth dad love you so much. They know they cannot provide for you the life you deserve and have chosen us to be your mom and dad. We are shocked, ecstatic and nervous. We have only known of your existence for 12 hours and we love you already.  Soon I will be able to post this and share our news with the world.

Lillian Piliana Wyatt, today is the day you have been made known to us, but you have been known by the Creator since the beginning of time. He knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of your days. You are not only loved by your birth parents and us, most importantly you are loved by your Savior!  I pray you will feel His love all the days of your life.

Hopefully waiting,
Momma"

...Things went great with our meeting with the birthparents. They wanted me there in the delivery room, they were easy to talk with and seemed extremely confident in their decision. DV examined birthmom and I heard my babies heartbeat. I saw her body formed in another woman's womb. Her spine, head and arms moving about. We had an appointment the next day with the lawyer at 1:00. Birthparents at 10:00. They did not show but called. They had car trouble but rescheduled for 3:30. Shortly after our meeting was over at 2:00 the lawyer called to say they showed up but did not sign the papers. We finally got a hold of them Friday night. They explained they are not changing their minds, nothing has changed. They just need to show our profile to birthmom's mom and aunt and uncle who are questioning the legitimacy of Heartbeat and us. Stephen called Sunday night to remind them to get the bloodwork done Monday so it will be ready for Wenesdays appointment and to set up a meeting time. Then he called again Monday morning around 11:00.  When we still had not heard anything after lunch I left them a message about one this afternoon asking them to please call us back.  My heart cannot take this and that it's okay if they have changed their minds but to  please call us and tell us either way.  It is 6:00 pm right now. I don't anticipate they will call. I feel like I have miscarried all over again. 

I was okay with 2014, not being the year. I had even started to become okay with the thought of us never being parents and then this happens, put of nowhere. A wound has been reopened and for what. God, what is the purpose?!  Do you hate us?  What have we done?  We serve you and want others to know your unconditional love. Right now you seem so far away. 

Meeting Me Where I Am

As I am fixing my hair and putting on makeup in the bathroom yesterday...

Lillian (5yo):  Aunta I know the baby in your tummy died. It's really sad. 

Me:  Yes. It did and it is really sad. 

Followed by a lot of questions:  Did you see it?  How big was it?  What happened to it? And then...

Lillian:  Do you want another one?

Me:  Yes but I don't think there will ever be one in my tummy again. 

Lillian:  It would be nice if you got one for your birthday. 

The conversation made me feel happy, sad, want to cry and loved all at the same time.  She remembers our baby and feels free to talk about it because she is so young and isn't scared to mention it. 

2014 Isn't Gonna Be the Year

For the past four NYE's it's been the same emotional roller coaster.  I always had hope and truly believed 20... was gonna be the year.  I would either be pregnant and about to pop this time next year or have a new born.  Not this year.  This year I know 2014, isn't gonna be the year, and that's okay.

Dawn is here and the morning is coming.  While there isn't joy yet, there is acceptance.  I accept my life is much different than what we dreamed it would be four years ago.  I accept there is nothing we can do about it; We gave it our best 'old college try" possible.

What 2014, is gonna be is the year I start living again.  I have one year left in my twenties and I am gonna live it up!  Not quite sure how an "old woman" does that but I am setting out to try.  

It doesn't mean I am happy this is where God has brought us, but it does mean I've accepted it.  Maybe in a few more months the happy will arrive; until then I will live in acceptance.    

Jealous Much?

I don't know if the jealousy will ever end. Will I ever be able to see super cute pregnant women and not be jealous?  Will I ever be able to see them and not pick out every flaw because it makes me feel better about myself and eases my jealousy?  I don't particularly like to be jealous and I definitely don't want to be jealous.  God help me. Help my heart and help shield my eyes. Let me see beauty in the miracle of life and not feel jealousy.  Help me to remember what I do have and that I am the cause of jealousy to some. I say this NOT in a prideful way (please don't get me wrong) but in an acknowledging way that I am blessed and my best blessing is right beside me!  I love you SO much Stephen Wyatt. Thank you for choosing me!

How Can I Be Thankful?

I'm going to be honest; at the beginning of the month when everyone started posting the "Day1: I am thankful for..." November routine, I wanted nothing to do with it. It's great that everyone else is thankful but living in the dead of night with no morning in sight just continuous mourning in my heart, I rejected it and this month of Thanksgiving.  My negative attitude stayed with me all month until God used beautiful Lizzie Wallace to give me a big slap of "seriously" in the face. As I sat visiting with her two Mondays ago, we were discussing life and that Stephen and I had reached the end of our journey of trying to conceive. She looks at me and says, "I can't have kids either."  The weight of that statement hit hard. It was in that very moment the floods of I am thankful for....came to the front of my thoughts. Lizzie helped snap me back to reality. Yes infertility is awful BUT look at what I do have:  the love of an amazing savior who allows me to be a selfish ungrateful "b" as I go through this process of mourning and loves me none the less, an amazing husband who has put aside his mourning to be my rock, a family that while they often don't know what to say or do are just there to love us, my health (let's be honest a barren body is nothing in the grand scheme of things!) an amazing church family, choir and Sunday school, along with numerous friends new and old, a house, a college community group with amazing students (God knew I would need them this year) and the list goes on and on. I now realize that in my mourning I have actively been rejecting God's blessings. So thank you Lizzie Wallace for slapping me with a HEAVY dose of reality and helping me to slowly move forward. There are more good days than bad and I am grateful.

As we head into the Christmas season will you please keep us in your prayers. I don't know why but it is always a hard time of year. Everything seems to revolve around families and children.  Pray God will continue to grant me mercy for my attitude. Pray that I will feel whole and  complete with my family of two. Christ is my foundation and I know he is here and will never leave me. Pray I will lean into him with my grief rather than away from him. I cannot imagine what these past four years would have been like without his love and  mercy!  

Finally, I pray for you. I pray that you too know His love and mercy in the middle of your struggle, whatever it may be.  

October 26

Yesterday was my due date. I had thought about it all week, but then on the day of, it didn't cross my mind until about 3:00 pm.   I felt ashamed. Wonder what type of party I would have thrown?  I say I don't believe in huge first birthdays, but then again I do love to throw a party. 

Satan's At It Again

Trying to remember children are a blessing but the lack there of is not a curse.

A Glimpse at a Fertility Treatment Cycle

This is a glimpse at a IUI Fertility Treatment Cycle.  It is hard to explain to someone what it is like to go through a cycle with words.  Your life consists of treatment plans, doctors appointments, trying to guess when you might be doing the actual IUI and not being able to commit to anything because you have no clue when you will have to go to the doctor next.  Usually I  just say we take some shots and then do a treatment. The reality is that it's not that simple.  You have to do the shots at the same time each night and within a thirty minute window; this means you have to prethink what you will be doing for potentially the next three weeks so you can plan to take your shot late enough that you will be home, but not too late that you are staying up until midnight.  We try to shoot for a 9:30 p.m.-10:00 p.m injection time. Below is a diary of our latest cycle. 

Wednesday, July 31, 2013:  Cycle Day (CD 1)
I started my period  this morning in the A.M. before work.  I called first thing at 8:00 a.m. to report my cycle start.  I made sure I kept my phone near with the ringer on so I wouldn't miss the callback from the nurse.  The call came around 3:00 p.m. and we set up a CD 3 appointment. 

Thursday, August 1, 2013: CD 2 
Work dragged today and I was feeling anxious for my appointment tomorrow morning.  It has been four months since our last treatment and I am worried I will  have a cycst and we wouldn't be able to do the treatment this month.  Sometimes the waiting is the worst part.
Friday, August 2, 2013: CD 3
I had to leave the house this morning at 7:45 a.m. to be at my appointment in Shreveport at  9:45 a.m.  The wait was rather long today.  I didn't get called back until 11:20 a.m.  Once I was back we did the ultrasound and I was in and out in about fifteen minutes.  I ate lunch at Johnny's pizza and was back in Nac about 2:15 p.m.. The pharmacy called later this afternoon and we order 14 vials of menopur and one HCG trigger shot. I already had five vials of menopur from last cycle so that saved a little money at $75 a vial.  The trigger shot has increased by $20 since last ordered in April and is now $80.   Thank God the menopur has stayed the same.

We had dinner at Shelly and Thad's tonight which was super fun, but it also meant I had to jump back into the shot saddle at a friends house.  Around 9:30 we took a little break from playing scattegories and Stephen mixed up my double dose of menopur.  I layed on their couch in the formal living room to take the shot which hurt like the dickens!  I was hopeful the first one out wouldn't be so bad, but Stephen has a nack for finding the bad spots :(

Saturday, August 3, 2014: CD 4:
Callie, Lerin and I went to Shreveport tonight for a quick girls night:  dinner at Superior's and Chaos 3 MMA fight.  Lerin and I just finished Fire Academy and one of the firefighters was fighting his twin brother.  We had to leave and go back to the hotel at about 10:00 p.m. so that Callie could give me my single dose shot of menopur.  This was the first time I had ever mixed up the menopur myself, but giving a shot to myself was NOT going to happen.  I am so grateful for friends who are willing to do the dirty work for me.  Even Lerin had volunteered to give the shot if Callie didn't want to.  Crazy thing, I didn't feel it AT ALL.  I can honestly say Callie Berry is the best person I've ever received a shot from! 

Sunday, August 4, 2013: CD 5: 
Tonight around 9:30 p.m. I had a double dose of menopur.  It hurt pretty badly but Stephen was quick.

Monday, August 5, 2013 CD 6:
As I was getting my shots of menopur ready tonight at 9:45 p.m. I realized the nurse had the dates wrong on my treatment plan sheet.  She had me starting my double dose shot on CD 3, but had the date for CD 3 as August 3rd, which is really CD 4.  Because of this I am possibly a day ahead on my shots!  I called and left a message with answering service that I think I actually need an appointment tomorrow rather than Wednesday.  I explained I live two hours away so they needed to get the message to the nurse ASAP in the morning.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013: CD 7 

I got to work early this morning and called the clinic at  8:00 a.m.to talk about my cycle days. At 8:10 a.m. I left for Shreveport because the nurse says yes I need to come since I've had four days of shots already.  She said I wasn't supposed to start my meds until Saturday. I was freaking out the entire ride there thinking that I may have messed everything up!  I arrived at 9:50 a.m. and was out by 10:35 a.m.  After looking at the chart, the nurse assured me I was correct to have started my meds on CD 3 and for calling to come in today.  I felt better knowing I hadn't messed anything up!  My right ovary has several cycsts:  two larger ones measuring 11x7 and 10 along with several small ones measuring a six. The left ovary has multiple smalls, mostly sixes and sevens. 

Today I shopped a little,  got an hour massage, got a dozen krispy kreme donuts and was home by 4:50 p.m.  

The nurse called back with my instructions and we did a double dose of menopur this evening around 10:00 p.m.  It stung badly and when the needle was pulled out it hurt badly!  Stephen was not on his A game tonight.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013: CD 8
I realized this morning that with my new injection cycle being double dose, triple does, double dose, triple does I would be out of shots before Monday if he keeps this nubmer of injections up.  I called the clinic to see how many meds to order since we realized I will be out after Saturday with the upped dose.  The nurse advised to get enough to get us through Monday and to guestimate that he will up my dose to a triple dose each day.  I love how the nurses are like you know just order ten or twelve to be on the safe side.  It's easy to say that in theory, it's another thing to say that when you are talking about $75 a dose! 

I took a triple dose tonight.  It wasn't too bad but stung like crazy afterwards at the injection sight.  Stephen did a much better job pulling the needle out tonight.  As I was laying there I was remembering the nurse the summer before 9th grade saying "this is the last shot you will ever have to get," as she gave me my hep b shot.  Ha, how I'd love to speak to her now!

Thursday, August 8, 2013: CD 9
I almost forgot about my injection. I  went to a shower for Tammi this evening and then over to the in-laws for dinner. We hung around and were watching tv until about 9:40 p.m. when I remembered them.  One nice thing was that I did not dread the shot all evening! 

I took a double dose of menopur that hurt really badly, but it was off and on throughout the shot.  It's crazy how every time is different.  Stephen decided to give me a sponge bath with alcohol rub in several different places on my stomach so I wouldn't know where the shot was going :)  It is nice that he tries to make this awful event somewhat funny.

Friday, August 9, 2013: CD 10
I hung around house all day waiting for my precious meds to arrive.  All they could tell me was they would be here between 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.  I called Walgreens around 5:00 p.m. to check on them and make sure they were actually on the truck for delivery.  They assured me the answer was yes.  Well, they arrived at 7:00 p.m!  Talk about a nervous patient.

I was anxious for them to get here because we then were finally able to head to Lufkin for Tammi's labor.  Owen was ready to make his appearance today.  We hung around until they started her potosin.  We left for dinner at 9:15 p.m. knowing Owen woudl probably arrive by the time we were done and we could bring Chris and Tammi dinner.  We ordered and were eating our appitizers when I realized I had forgotten about doing the shot and it was 9:55 p.m!  Stephen drew it up in resturaunt at the table.  I'm pretty sure we looke like druggies. Unofrotunatley I had forgotten the q cap which helps you draw up the meds.  This meant that the needle had to go into three different vials before it went into me.  AKA a super dull needle was going into my skin!

So here we were sitting at the booth in Olive Garden and I had to take my injection and now.  We went to the back of the resturaunt and I laid down on a long bench.  It was a triple dose and stung so badly.  I couldn't make any noise because we already looked really weird.  Stephen was so compassionate and offered hand which I in turn squeezed the dickens out of. 

Saturday, August 10, 2013: CD 11

We left for Shreveport about 7:00 a.m. this morning.  My appointment was at 8:45 p.m. and I was out of the office by 9:05 p.m.  They move pretty fast when it's the weekend.  I have three cycsts worth mentioning: a 19x11 and an 8 on the left along with an 11x 8 on the right.

The clinic called back this afternoon while we were out and about to say we needed to do the trigger shot tonight and the IUI on Monday.  This is where you just want to kick yourself because you have $750 worth of meds sitting at your house right now.  Part of you thinks man I just wasted that money and the other part of you thinks well I will just use them next time.  Unfortunately I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a next time :(

We went to Chris Crenshaw's graduation party tonight and I realized it was ten. Stephen went home to get my trigger shot so I could stay and hang with Hannah. I ended up taking the shot on Chris' bed.  This is the first time Stephen has done the trigger shot.  I usually meet Dr. Vineyard up at the clinic to get it.  The needle is about two inches and goes in my bottom.  Stephen did a great job and it didn't hurt one bit going in, but the injection sight was awful and I have a huge bruise now!

Sunday, August 11, 2013: CD 12
We spent the night in Shreveport  tonight to try and have some fun. We ate at the Cheesecake Bistro on the Boardwalk and are staying in a room at Diamond Jacks.  While having a romanic evening together was fun, it was also kinda pointless to be in a romantic room with jacuzzi tub when things can't happen due to an IUI taking place the next day!  

Monday, August 12, 2013: CD 13
It was nice to sleep in for an 8:30 a.m. appointment for once. Stephen wrote an encouraging note on my thighs that said "Get'er Done".  I'd been waiting months to do this since the idea crossed my mind through a funny conversation Dr. Vineyard and I had back earlier in the summer.  Dr. Vandermonlen is a pretty serious guy and I thought it would be funny.  We got to the clinic and Stephen gave his sample.  We ran to Krispy Kreme, then back to wait. We were out by 10:00 a.m.  and home by noon.  Dr. Vandermolen didn't do the IUI, the nurse did it, but she thought the note was funny.  When she was done she said she had done her part, not it was up to the swimmers! 

And so now begins the two week wait!

Monday, August 19th: CD 20
I showed up to physicians clinical to have my progestrone lab work done but they did not have orderes. I had to get Dr. Vineyard to order them.  By that I mean I had to leave, go up to work, get an order, fill it out and then return to Physcians Clinc to have my blood drawn. 

Dr. Vineyard called about an hour later to let me know my progesterone was 12.  He said that was fine, but he also figured Dr. Vandermolen would still put me on progeIstrone.  Needless to say about an hour after that I  got the call that Dr. Vandermolen wanted it to be a 15 so I was to start the progestrone vaginal suppositiories that evening.  I am to do them twice a day in the evening and the morning.  I'll save the gorry details, but they are pretty gross and you have to lay down for about 45 mintues after you use one, which stinks in the morning before work!

Last week has gone by quicklk and I've felt hopeful the treatment has worked until this weekend. Now I don't think it's gonna work and I'm bidding my time. 

Friday, August 23: CD 24 
It's currently 12:29 am and I can't sleep.  I'm anxious to do the HCG blood work tomorrow so I can just know.

I had my blood drawn around 9:00 a.m.  She couldn't get a vein on right arm so after digging around for about a minute and thumping my arm to death she moved to left arm. It hurt like the dickens, but it will let me know three days sooner than a urine test. 

I left Physician's Clnical and went to  hobby lobby to kill time.  After texting Tricia to see if the results had come over the fax I soon heard my phone ringing.  It was about 10:30 a.m.  The screen said Dr. Vineyard.  I didn't even have to answer it.  I already knew.  He wouldn't have called me otherwise.  He let me know my HCG is one.

Now the waiting game begins for my period.  I go up to the Pharmacy so I can tell Stephen in person.  I don't know how many more of these I can handle.  Stephen says he understands. 

Saturday, August 24: CD 25
I'm realizing this next treatment is probably gonna be our last treatment. I can't handle three more emotionally or physically.  It's been a long four years and I'm exhausted.  As I sat on the couch at my inlaws it was all I could do to keep from bawling my eyes out.  Stephen was at the lease and I need him home and now. 

Stephen and I talked and he has hit his emotional wall too.  This next one is it.  I feel bad because my parents graciously paid for this last cycle.  I feel like they've wasted their money.  I also feel like I'm going to be wasting another 3 grand with the next cycle, but I need to do one more going into it knowing this is the last one.  Now if my period will just start already.  Who knows when that will happen.  Could be another ten days.  Last months cycle was 35 days long!

Sunday, August 25. 2013: CD 1
I started my period about 8:10 a.m. this morning while getting ready for church.  I see it as a blessing I didn't have to wait another ten days to start this last treatment cycle.  I called to report the cycle start at 8:20 a.m.

I had it together when I left for church this morning, but in the middle of singing at the beginning of the service I lost it.  Like ugly cry lost it.  It took everything I had to keep it together until the shaking of the hands.  All I could think was the TV camera could be on me and I'm about to lose it.  I slipped out and into the balcony to sit with Clint and JoDee.  Thankfully she had some Kleenex.  I'm so gratefull for friends who will just sit and let you ugly cry next to them.

When I got home from church I had two missed calls from the nurse.  The second call she went ahead and scheduled my appointment for Tuesday at 8:00 a.m.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013: CD 3
I overslept and woke up at 5:43 a.m.  I was supposed to get up at 5:37a.m.  Luckily the dogs started barking so it wasn't too bad.  I arrived at 7:50 a.m. for my 8:00 a.m. appointment.  I let the nurse know this was going to be our last cycle so to please relay the message to Dr. Vandermolen and that we want him to give it all he can with the injections.  She asked me about IVF and I let her know we were not going to pursue.  She let us know if this cycle does not work and we ever change our minds about more IUI's or IVF we just have to call and set up an appointment like normal with the onset of a cycle.  And then as she looked at the screen of the ultrasound she said, "well, we won't be doing anything this cycle."   I have three HUGE cycsts.  Normally I'm always worried about this but for some reason this time it didn't even cross my mind this could happen.  This is our last cycle and pregnant or not I am ready to be done with the season in our life.  And so I left the appointment with a heavy heart having to wait yet another cycle to be able to start our last.  That is if the cysts are gone by then.

There you have it, a never ending process at a glimpse.  I'm exhausted having just written it and lived it all over again.  Please pray as we wait to being the final cycle not just for a preganancy, but for our hearts if preganancy is not in His plans for us.  We aren't quite sure what we will do next but prayers for guidance will be grately appriciated.  Shortly put it's been a long road.

 

What We Go Through

As I sit here, yawning because I got up an hour and forty five minutes earlier than normal and bracing myself to spread for the umpteenth time over the past several years, I realize this is what separates my experience from the average person's TTC experience. The three and a half hour drive round trip, the money, the pokes, the prods and sitting alone, they are a far cry from a romantic night of love making.

This experience highlights to me that I really must be careful not to judge or presume to know what someone else's life is like. The old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes is so true.

While it's not romance, it is love that drives us to pursue the expansion of our family this way. While I won't be able to tell my child one day of the romance that brought about their conception or the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy, I will be able to say it was the intentional actions driven by a love for an unborn, yet to be conceived child that lead to their life.

And so, while the situation is not perfect and there are sacrifices being made that many will never know or understand, it is love that motivates and make is worth the journey.

So THIS is the Real Problem?

So we knew we needed to stop the other forms of BC when we started trying to conceive, but who knew Stephen needed to stop wearing his crocs with socks!  Problem solved?    ;)

Crying with Someone

I could try and eloquently write this post, but I just don't feel like it.  So here it is in its rawest form.

Have you ever cried WITH another person.  I can honestly say that until last night I don't think I have.  The moment I read the post of a special friend from my past, it was like a wound was opened and the tears began to come.  I knew in that moment that "secret pain" that you can't explain and that no one can understand unless they have been there too.  It was like the wound that has been healing in me these past four months was ripped open, but the pain I was experiencing was not for me, but rather for her.  I can't explain it.  Luckily I also cannot explain the peace among chaos that Christ can bring.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day....I was pretty good this morning.  I opted to sit with my MIL and FIL rather than sing in the choir.  I only cried a bit during the service.  Thankfully the pastor's sermon was not focused on Mother's Day.

My sweet friend Tammi gave me a necklace and card for Mother's Day.  It's nice to have something specific to remind me of the baby.  I had been wanting to get some type of jewelry, even hoping Stephen could read my mind and know I wanted something, but he didn't and I hadn't gotten anything.  It was so thoughtful of her to think of me and I will treasure the necklace forever.

There have been several pregnancy announcements in my life over the past several days.  Some close friends others not.  My feelings are different on a case by case basis.  I seem to do better at not being bitter and having genuine excitement for those who are close to me.  For some reason it's the ones who aren't that are the target of my anger at the moment.

This too shall pass I know, but I wish I didn't feel this way.  I wish I had the perfect Christian reaction.

Tammi, my mom, and my sister are the only ones that told me happy mother's day.  I know to the world I am not a mom and I do and don't consider myself a mom.  It's a weird thing.  I had hoped Stephen would know I wanted him to tell my happy mother's day and I would have liked something like a card, but he's a guy and they process differently and I can't be mad because I did not tell him.

These are just a few of the things going through my head right now...

Mixed Emotions

Infertility is a strange beast that steals the simple joys of pregnancy from a couple.  It gives you this weird mix of emotions once you finally do get pregnant.  On the one hand you are overwhelmed, overjoyed, and even relieved when you see those two lines for the first time.  The treatments have worked and the endless doctors visits and blood draws and sonos and long drives to Shreveport will soon end.  Then you are scared and worried.  While most couples see those two lines and enter into a state of bliss, when I saw those two lines, after my initial sigh of relief and tears of happiness, I entered into a state of indifference.  My confirmation appointment in Shreveport was not what I had envisioned two years ago that my first doctors appointment as a pregnant woman would have been like.  All the nurses were excited and since we did two treatments in one round, they were "fighting" over who actually got me pregnant.  I began to feel bad because I wasn't excited like they were.  I was relieved to know that I was pregnant, meaning yes it was possible, but I also had a huge fear things would go wrong and so I let myself be indifferent to the pregnancy.

After confirmation that the baby had implanted in my uterus and the pregnancy was not ectopic, I felt a little relief, but then came the questioning, Why Me?  I know so many people who are struggling with infertility and have been much longer than Stephen and I.  While I am excited, I don't feel like I can fully indulge in that excitement because I know how badly those who are still in treatment of limbo want a child and how much it hurts to see others become pregnant.  This is why you won't be seeing belly pictures or sono pics on my facebook.  Other than my initial tag of my last post, if someone wants to know about my pregnancy they are going to have to seek out my blog.  I don't want to be that person who's pictures overwhelm the facebook news feed with pregnancy everything.  Please don't hear me say that you shouldn't do that if you are pregnant.  Please do.  You have every right.  It is the most exciting thing in your life at the moment!  But uunfortunately for me, because I have walked this road I know how hurtful it can be to those experiencing infertility.   It's weird with infertility, you are part of a closed community in which no one can understand how you feel except those going through it, but as soon as you beat the it you become and outsider again.  You don't move back into the land of fertiles because you now have an acute awareness of the pain infertiles are living with, but rather you are in a new group, the infertiles who now appear to be fertile. 

One of the biggest things I struggled with during this process is the idea that children are a blessing from the Lord.  So on the flip side of that coin I began to feel that the lack of children was a curse.  I know this is not true, but on my darkest days I often believed it.  So it makes me cringe just a little when people in response to hearing you are pregnant say, "What a blessing!"  Please don't get me wrong, it is a blessing; but I often wonder if society puts too much emphasis on this blessing and therefore ignoring all the other blessings we have as well.  I had to come to realize that just because I was not pregnant didn't mean that I was being curse and it also didn't mean I wasn't blessed.  God has blessed me with many things:  a wonderful husband, an amazing extended family, a job, health, a home, and much more!

I know this post is just a mix of rambling and not very well written.  I guess what I want people to understand most, is that Stephen and I are beyond excited that we are pregnant; however, our outward emotions might not be what you expect to see.  We are cautiously excited and also want to be respectful of those struggling with infertility who have not yet beaten it.  Most fertiles would be surprised to know how many are silently struggling with infertility.  This pregnancy is a blessing because God has answered our prayers, but even if he had not answered them, we are aware that we are still blessed beyond measure!  And at the end of the day the truth is that my identity is not found in being a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother; rather it is found in Christ and above all that is what's most important!