October 26

Yesterday was my due date. I had thought about it all week, but then on the day of, it didn't cross my mind until about 3:00 pm.   I felt ashamed. Wonder what type of party I would have thrown?  I say I don't believe in huge first birthdays, but then again I do love to throw a party. 

Crying with Someone

I could try and eloquently write this post, but I just don't feel like it.  So here it is in its rawest form.

Have you ever cried WITH another person.  I can honestly say that until last night I don't think I have.  The moment I read the post of a special friend from my past, it was like a wound was opened and the tears began to come.  I knew in that moment that "secret pain" that you can't explain and that no one can understand unless they have been there too.  It was like the wound that has been healing in me these past four months was ripped open, but the pain I was experiencing was not for me, but rather for her.  I can't explain it.  Luckily I also cannot explain the peace among chaos that Christ can bring.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day....I was pretty good this morning.  I opted to sit with my MIL and FIL rather than sing in the choir.  I only cried a bit during the service.  Thankfully the pastor's sermon was not focused on Mother's Day.

My sweet friend Tammi gave me a necklace and card for Mother's Day.  It's nice to have something specific to remind me of the baby.  I had been wanting to get some type of jewelry, even hoping Stephen could read my mind and know I wanted something, but he didn't and I hadn't gotten anything.  It was so thoughtful of her to think of me and I will treasure the necklace forever.

There have been several pregnancy announcements in my life over the past several days.  Some close friends others not.  My feelings are different on a case by case basis.  I seem to do better at not being bitter and having genuine excitement for those who are close to me.  For some reason it's the ones who aren't that are the target of my anger at the moment.

This too shall pass I know, but I wish I didn't feel this way.  I wish I had the perfect Christian reaction.

Tammi, my mom, and my sister are the only ones that told me happy mother's day.  I know to the world I am not a mom and I do and don't consider myself a mom.  It's a weird thing.  I had hoped Stephen would know I wanted him to tell my happy mother's day and I would have liked something like a card, but he's a guy and they process differently and I can't be mad because I did not tell him.

These are just a few of the things going through my head right now...