Your Hands

This song has been playing over and over in my head for the past several days.  I know it is only because of the love, prayers and support of all our family and friends that I can honestly pray these words.  My flesh doesn't understand why and wants to be mad at the world, but most of the time over the past several days I have had a peace that can only come from God above.  Last night as Stephen was holding me and I was trying to process he said, "It's gonna be okay."  And while I don't know what okay actually means I know he is right.  I don't know where we go from here.  I don't know how much longer this journey we thought was over is going to continue, and I don't know how it will end.  I do know it is going to be okay, somehow, some way.

Expanding Vocabulary

Stephen put it best last night when he said our vocabulary has now expanded.

Miscarriage: The spontaneous, premature expulsion of a nonviable embryo or fetus from the uterus. Also called spontaneous abortion.

The definition doesn't seem to do it justice, and until it happens to you they are just meaningless words on a page.  What I wish it said...

Miscarriage:   The premature death of a baby in the womb of it's mother who loved him/her deeply.

Two things I know to be true as of today...

• God is still God and He still sits on his thrown with loving arms.
• There was a baby, (s)he was real, (s)he was loved, his/her life served a purpose.

Thank you all for the kind texts and messages today.  They were greatly appreciated and you will never know how much comfort they brought us!

 "A person is a person, no matter how small."
                                                            Dr. Seuss

Mixed Emotions

Infertility is a strange beast that steals the simple joys of pregnancy from a couple.  It gives you this weird mix of emotions once you finally do get pregnant.  On the one hand you are overwhelmed, overjoyed, and even relieved when you see those two lines for the first time.  The treatments have worked and the endless doctors visits and blood draws and sonos and long drives to Shreveport will soon end.  Then you are scared and worried.  While most couples see those two lines and enter into a state of bliss, when I saw those two lines, after my initial sigh of relief and tears of happiness, I entered into a state of indifference.  My confirmation appointment in Shreveport was not what I had envisioned two years ago that my first doctors appointment as a pregnant woman would have been like.  All the nurses were excited and since we did two treatments in one round, they were "fighting" over who actually got me pregnant.  I began to feel bad because I wasn't excited like they were.  I was relieved to know that I was pregnant, meaning yes it was possible, but I also had a huge fear things would go wrong and so I let myself be indifferent to the pregnancy.

After confirmation that the baby had implanted in my uterus and the pregnancy was not ectopic, I felt a little relief, but then came the questioning, Why Me?  I know so many people who are struggling with infertility and have been much longer than Stephen and I.  While I am excited, I don't feel like I can fully indulge in that excitement because I know how badly those who are still in treatment of limbo want a child and how much it hurts to see others become pregnant.  This is why you won't be seeing belly pictures or sono pics on my facebook.  Other than my initial tag of my last post, if someone wants to know about my pregnancy they are going to have to seek out my blog.  I don't want to be that person who's pictures overwhelm the facebook news feed with pregnancy everything.  Please don't hear me say that you shouldn't do that if you are pregnant.  Please do.  You have every right.  It is the most exciting thing in your life at the moment!  But uunfortunately for me, because I have walked this road I know how hurtful it can be to those experiencing infertility.   It's weird with infertility, you are part of a closed community in which no one can understand how you feel except those going through it, but as soon as you beat the it you become and outsider again.  You don't move back into the land of fertiles because you now have an acute awareness of the pain infertiles are living with, but rather you are in a new group, the infertiles who now appear to be fertile. 

One of the biggest things I struggled with during this process is the idea that children are a blessing from the Lord.  So on the flip side of that coin I began to feel that the lack of children was a curse.  I know this is not true, but on my darkest days I often believed it.  So it makes me cringe just a little when people in response to hearing you are pregnant say, "What a blessing!"  Please don't get me wrong, it is a blessing; but I often wonder if society puts too much emphasis on this blessing and therefore ignoring all the other blessings we have as well.  I had to come to realize that just because I was not pregnant didn't mean that I was being curse and it also didn't mean I wasn't blessed.  God has blessed me with many things:  a wonderful husband, an amazing extended family, a job, health, a home, and much more!

I know this post is just a mix of rambling and not very well written.  I guess what I want people to understand most, is that Stephen and I are beyond excited that we are pregnant; however, our outward emotions might not be what you expect to see.  We are cautiously excited and also want to be respectful of those struggling with infertility who have not yet beaten it.  Most fertiles would be surprised to know how many are silently struggling with infertility.  This pregnancy is a blessing because God has answered our prayers, but even if he had not answered them, we are aware that we are still blessed beyond measure!  And at the end of the day the truth is that my identity is not found in being a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother; rather it is found in Christ and above all that is what's most important!  

Wait, Hope, Expect

Infertility is a crazy beast and it effects each spouse differently.  Stephen and I are no exception.  While we are on the same journey it has often times seemed we are on completely different paths.  Back in January after our first failed treatment I was kinda in one of those depressed places.  There was a cyst on one of my ovaries so we had to take a break and wait for the next cycle to continue with treatment.  The doctor actually put me on birth control to help the cyst go away.  (Talk about a crazy thing that felt so unnatural since we have been trying so hard for so long.)  So for my birthday in January, Stephen found the perfect gift, a magnet with his prayer for me.  Wait.  Hope.  Expect.  That's exactly where we were, having to wait to start treatments again.  While I had lost my hope, he was gently encouraging me to remember what it was we were working towards.  He was reminding me not only to hope, but to expect that it will to happen.

So after 26 months of waiting and hoping, we are so excited to finally say we are expecting!

There are so many thoughts and emotions going through our heads right now, but that is another post for another time.  But we do want to thank all of you who have traveled this journey with us and been praying all along the way!

Tuesday Night Dinners

One of the best things about moving back to Nacogdoches is Tuesday night dinners with Don, Jane, Erin, John, and Paul.  We usually eat at Don and Jane's, but every now and then we go to Erin and John's or our house.  I just have to say that tonight Erin knocked it out of the park with homemade biscuits and gravy! 

Falling Behind and Parental Visits

I've fallen behind on my house cleaning and laundry.  I've had this routine going since about the beginning of November and about two weeks ago I slipped up and have now fallen behind.  Luckily Stephen has stepped in to help and I am so appreciative.  Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things by the end of this week.

My mom and dad finally came to visit together at the new house.  Dad has been here several times, but mom hadn't had a chance to get over yet.  It was so great to see them and even though we didn't do anything too entertaining it was fun.  We made a big trip to Hobby Lobby Friday afternoon, had crawfish and shrimp for dinner that night and introduced mom and dad to the movie 8 Seconds.  Saturday we slept in and then had a great lunch with Loraine and Donna.  It was so great for mom to get to catch up with her Nacogdoches buds:)  Saturday night we went and ate Mexican at mom's request and then back to the house for another movie.  Dad requested a shoot 'em up movie and chose Boondock Saints.  It was so great to have them hear.  Now if only we could get them to move back!
 

Stephen Loves Anna

Ever just have one of those days when you are down?  It's not anything in particular, just all the little things that add together and you just need a good cry.  I had one of those days this weekend and on my drive home from Lufkin found myself crying. 

This is what I saw as soon as I walked into the house....

Enough said :)