October 26

Yesterday was my due date. I had thought about it all week, but then on the day of, it didn't cross my mind until about 3:00 pm.   I felt ashamed. Wonder what type of party I would have thrown?  I say I don't believe in huge first birthdays, but then again I do love to throw a party. 

Head in the Sand

I wish I could just bury my head in the sand. I've got so much miss placed anger and jealousy. While I am trying to deal and control it, it seems to be a losing battle.  Some days I am good with God but seems like more days I am just angry, at Him and at anyone He has chosen to bless with a baby or a pregnancy. I should be planning a one year olds birthday party right now. I should be getting excited about getting pregnant with my second child. But instead I am angry with empty arms and a broken body and nothing but an unrealized due date looming ahead along with the four year anniversary mark of trying to conceive. It is all so stupid and my feelings are irrational but I am tired and tired of fighting them and tired of trying. I'm a selfish, moody, ungrateful for what I do have "B" these days.