It's been almost six years since Stephen and I started trying to conceive. I feel the timer is still running because I don't know we will ever truly stop.
When someone asks me how many children I have I say one, because I don't want to be that "weird" person who counts her lost pregnancy in her tally. I am wrong for this and giving into societies pressures when I don't stand up for my first child.
The moment I saw the two lines on the test, the joy I felt, the love in my heart was no different than the joy and love felt the moment we saw Lillian on the ultrasound screen in her birth mother's womb and then again the joy and love we felt the moment she was physically handed to us.
It's not only the joy and love but the pain and anguish in losing them both that was the same. I'll never forget the moment Dr. Vineyard stopped talking while looking at the ultrasound screen and the moment sitting in iHop, after a day of waiting for a follow up meeting with the birth parents that it became apparent the meeting would not come; Lillian was gone.
So I trust, when I stand before my Savior and bow to worship Him, seeing my first child in His arms, the overwhelming astonishment, gratitude and wonderment will too be the same as the day Lillian came back to life for us and we learned she was coming home to our forever family.
My Children
One grew under my heart; one grew in it.
One waits in heaven having never reached birth, loved just as much as the one who walks Earth.
