Here's To A New Year...

When I think about the happiest memory of 2012, it also brings about the darkest memory. To date 2012, has been the most heartbreaking year of my life.

That being said, there has been light amongst the darkness: a move, new jobs, new friendships, huge debt reduction, a new house, and much more.

Sometimes it is hard to see the blessings through the raindrops. Here's to 2013, may the blessings be abundant and the tears be few and far between!

Christmas 2012

Pierce Lincoln Pruitt...Coolest Name Ever!

I have a new nephew.  His name is Pierce Lincoln Pruitt.  It's quite possibly the coolest name ever.  Just saying.

Cookie Exchange 2012

 

I have always wanted to host a huge dinner party so I took this Christmas as my opportunity to do so.  Lucky for me JoDee was on board and we set out to host our first annual Cookie Exchange and Gourmet Dinner.  We sent out 25 invitations and to our great surprise we had 21 RSVP yes!  We were thinking it would be a good turn out if we had 15, so this was an exciting shock :)

We had the invitations made in November because we wanted to give people the opportunity to put it on their calendars way before the craziness of the holidays hit.  That being said we put the words Gourmet before we even had a menu.  It just sounded better than the word dinner.  We had shrimp cocktail, insalada caprese, raw vegetables, spinach and artichoke dip for appetizers, the main dish consisted of stuffed chicken, potato soup, mac and cheese, and green bean bundles and then a sweet potato dessert.

It was so much fun and I got to use every single piece of china I own along with all my crystal.  Becca Canfield and her mother graciously let us use their Lismore Iced Beverages so everyone could have the same glasses and Lerin Blackmon loaned me her 12 Days Toasting Flutes so everyone's dessert was served in the same dish.

All the cookies were amazing and the fellowship even better.  I loved having 24 bodies squeeze into our living space and seeing how blessed I am with so many friends God has place in my life over the past year.  To think that over half of them I didn't even know this time last year!

 

Not sure how, but we are gonna try to top it next year!

Merry "I Don't Have A Baby " Christmas

I'm trying to be grateful and enjoy the holiday. I am so blessed to have all my living grand parents and parents here to celebrate. The holiday is really about celebrating the birth of our savior and I truly am grateful for that, but I'm not gonna lie, Merry "I Don't Have A Baby" Christmas is how I'm feeling right now. I suppose the hole I feel in my heart is to be filled with Christ  rather than a baby but I feel like He is the one that put it there. I was doing just fine three years ago when I had no desire for a baby.  Hese are my very non Christian thoughts right now about this day!

My Name is Anna Wyatt, and I have a Christmas Decoration Problem

My name is Anna Wyatt, and I have a Christmas decorating problem.  It all began Christmas of 2007, with the purchase of my first tree and matching ornaments.  It's continued in a downward spiral from there. 

Evidence One:  The Dillard's Tree

The Dillard's Tree gets it's name from my mom and dad's good friend Sonja Walker.  Growing up I always LOVED going to Mrs. Walker's house because she had TWO Christmas Trees.  I always thought that was the coolest thing and always said I would have two as well.  She had her Dillard's Tree that looked like it walked straight out of the Department Store and her fun tree that had all the fun ornaments her kids had made and people had given them over the years.

After several years of collecting bulk ornaments in various shades of crimson, gold and line green, not to mention snowflakes and Fleur De Lis I can say the Dillard's Tree is officially complete.  Nothing was added to it this year or last.

Now from the very beginning of my "adult life" I have had two trees.  The first two years there was the Dillard's Tree and a Fun Tree.  Several years ago however, the fun tree was downsize to a fun size and contains the yearly ornaments I received growing up, Stephen's childhood ornaments and the year hunting/boy ornament I give Stephen each year.  Here are just a few of my favorites I've given him these past few years...

The fishing ornament was the first one I got Stephen and it's has just continued from there with Camo Marshmallow Snowmen to Deer Antlers and even a dog with a Santa Hat that looks just like Gunner.

Evidence Two:  The Waterford Tree

Working at Kennedy's for six years gave way to the appearance of the Waterford Tree Christmas of 2010.  Each year not only did I receive an ornament from Mrs. Stephens, but I also bought myself a Holiday Heirloom ornament along with a Crystal ornament.  This year I felt so dirty ordering my Waterford Ornaments online, like I was cheating on Kennedy's or something!  Below are the two I got off Amazon.  The Holiday Heirloom is actually not a new one, but I have always loved it and so it just needed to be on the tree this year!

Evidence Three:  The Santa Obsession

I remember the day I bought this Santa from Hobby Lobby.  I had eyed it before Thanksgiving and fell in love with it.  I asked Stephen if I could get it and when he said yes it became mine that day.  I remember grinning ear to ear walking out of Hobby Lobby with him.  I also remember thinking to myself, "I am now officially and adult.  I am truly excited about a decoration."  While I don't have a ton, I do have another black and white Santa who is awesome and a "Peacock Santa" on my wish list for this year.  Every time I see one in the store I just can't help but touch it and want it!

Evidence Four:  The Peacock Tree



For several years now I have envisioned having a Peacock Tree and now that I have a larger house with room for four trees rather than just two, the fourth tree will have to wait till next year :(, I got my wish!  A huge thanks to my FIL and MIL, Don and Jane, for fueling my tree obsession by gifting us not one, but three trees for my picking!  I have a feeling this tree will be a little like the Dillard's Tree in that it will take several years for me to get it exactly how I want it, but I must say I really am in love with it right now.

Evidence Five:  Decorated Tables

While it is nowhere as decorated as I'd like it to be (one day there will be chair decorations and such) I'm loving having the center piece, charger and gold napkins out.  Even the kitchen table has an awesome table cloth with chargers and such.

Evidence Six:  The Love of the Sentimental

     Article A:  My Angel Collection

Every Christmas until I turned Twenty, my grandmother gave me an Angel.  While they are all different and don't all necessarily go with my other decorations, it brings me so much joy to see each Angel she hand picked for me over the years.  It's like looking at all of my childhood sitting right there on top of the piano!

     Article B:  My Tanzanian Nativity



The time I spent in Tanzania in 2005 and 2006 changed my life.  I bought this nativity the first time I went.  I love it so much it actually stays up year round.  Not only does it remind me throughout the year of the blessing or Christ's birth, but it also is a constant reminder of those two summer' s.  While it is the only nativity I own right now, just like with my few Santa's I want almost every unique one I see!

     Article C:  The Holly Bell



Every Christmas we have been together Stephen and I have gotten a Holly Bell.  Some years we get something engraved on it and some years we don't.  The year we got engaged it simply has our names on it.  Our first Christmas it says Mr. and Mrs. Wyatt.  This year we will get April Baby engraved to remember our loss.  My vision is to one day have a full sized tree with nothing but white lights, a red ribbon on top and silver bells with red bows.  To look back and see the years God has blessed us with along with the joys and struggles of life, a testament to his love and grace.

And there you have it, the tip of the iceberg that is a major obsession.  I didn't even get into my gift wrapping issues! 

Tithing

I heard something very disturbing on the radio this week.  They were discussing tax credits, specifically the charitable gift tax credit.  There was a poll taken in which 40% of people who give at least $20 a year to churches, charities, and ministries said they would stop doing so if the charitable giving tax credit was taken away.  This disturbed me on two levels.  One, what would happen to all the good these groups do if 40% of their donors stopped giving, but most importantly it raises the question of why do people give.

As a Christian I give my tithe because God commands it.  It's the first check I write before any other when we get a paycheck.  I actually have it on auto pay at my bank.  I was taught tithing is what God asks for from a young age.  I remember HAVING to give that $0.10 tithe for my dollar allowance as a small child.  After I accepted Christ and continued to grow in my relationship that HAVING became WANTING.  I don't give it because I get a tax write off.  I give it because I'm called.  Don't get me wrong, there are moments that I think to myself, "man I really could have used that money for...."  But at the end of the day the money for .... is there if it's something that I really need when I do give.  And often times even when it's not something I really need it is there.  It just all seems to work out.  God takes care of it.   

Then there are offerings, everything above and beyond the tithe.  The truth is I don't do this enough, but I try.  I try to recognize specific opportunities and give when I feel the spirit telling me to.  We sponsor a child in Tanzania.  I give to local organizations.  I give to national organizations.  I try and help out specific people as I can and as opportunity presents itself.  I volunteer my time.  I do it because I feel led, not because there is a tax benefit. 

I encourage you to ask yourself why you give.

The Things I Remember Most

I vividly remember the day I found out I was pregnant.  Unlike every other month for the previous two years, I didn't wake up early in the morning to do a pregnancy test the "day" I thought I could possibly find out I was pregnant.  While we had done IUI's two days in a row that month, for some reason I just didn't and it was almost an after thought that day.  I came home from school around ten and bought a test on the way home.  I didn't even tell Stephen I was going to take it.  I did the pee on a stick ritual and rather than walking away to wait, I watched as the urine was absorbed back into the stick and the pink test line began to appear. I can so vividly remember that second line just seconds afterward begin to show.  For the previous 27 months I had taken at least two tests per month if not more and I cannot tell you how many times I had  looked at that line and tried to will the second one to appear.Having never had a positive pregnancy test I had no clue how quickly it would appear.  I would often look at it so hard and think, "is that another line trying to show through?!"  I had imagined what I might feel like if it did appear and now I know.  When it appears, it appears and in that one moment there is joy and relief, at least in my circumstances.  All the trips to Shreveport and the exhaustion of the last two years was over.  I remember that moment well.

I remember walking into the pharmacy in the middle of the day and asking Stephen if he could come out front to talk.  I slipped the stick out of my pocket and began to cry.  They were happy tears as well as tears of relief.

That afternoon I went walking with my neighbor Andrea.  We had been trying to get together since I had moved in this was the first time we were able to make it happen.  We caught up on life and I told her about our fertility issues.  What I wanted to say was, "I just literally just found out the last treatment worked!"  What I said was "I'm going to Shreveport this afternoon to have some more labs done."

I remember the appointment where it was confirmed the pregnancy was not ectopic.  I had told the nurses I didn't feel like I could be excited until I knew it wasn't ectopic.  And I was right.  The unhindered excitement and relief happened at that appointment.

The most exciting day of all was that appointment with Stephen when we heard the heartbeat.  I was excited when we were on our way, but I didn't know how it would make me feel.  As Dr. Vandermolen turned the volume up we heard that bum bum, bum bum, bum bum of the beat loud and clear.  I didn't realize how loud it would be.  It was in that moment that I truly felt connected to the life that was growing in me.  I was in love with my baby.  I wasn't scared anymore.  We had arrived, we had beaten the odds. 

How naive of me.

I remember laying on the table asking Dr. Vineyard if I had mentioned at the last appointment that Stephen was now working at M & S and we had just moved back to town.  He began the ultrasound as we were conversing.  The conversation came to a halt, not abruptly but recognizably.  I knew.  He didn't even have to say.  The first thing out of my mouth was, "At least we were pregnant.  We've never been able to say that before, so this is still a good thing."  I guess that was my coping mechanism for the moment as I laid there, by myself, without Stephen, realizing my worst fear about the pregnancy had come true.  I called Stephen and he came to the office immediately.  We cried together and made the decision to do a D&C the next morning. 

These are just a few of the collection of memories I have.  It was a short ten weeks and yet it was a long ten weeks.  I'd give anything to have those ten weeks back, to have a life growing in me again, awful morning sickness and all.

Black Tie Bingo

We had a great time this evening at Black Tie Bingo.  Two people at our table won and there were only eight games played.  I'm thinking there's something lucky about sitting with all those pharmacists. 

Stephen and I didn't win anything, but that's okay.  I'm secretly planning to have enough vacation money saved up for next year so we can bid on a getaway.  Don't tell Stephen that's where all his deer lease money is going ;)  It's always fun to get dressed up and I have to say my man sure does clean up nice!

This Would Have Been Our Last Weekend

This morning as I got out of bed to get dressed so I could go meet a friend for brunch, it occurred to me this would have been our last weekend as a family of two.  Now I realize there is no way to really know because I could have had the baby early, but in all reality it probably would have been.  I wonder what we would have done to celebrate our last few days of "freedom."  It was just a thought.  I have a feeling this week is going to be filled with those types of thoughts.  I'm truly ready for the day to just come and go.  So that it can be completely finished, done and over with, so the counting can stop and the comparison to every pregnant girl I see can stop. 

Fall!!!!!

And now in direct contrast to my last post, but all paid for with cash, my house in now ready for fall!  Yesterday I went from being a person with absolutely no fall decorations, to a person who's mantle looks like fall threw up on it:)  I go crazy at Christmas, but I'm pretty much Christmas decorated out.  There's no more room (or so I think, but who knows because I've never decorated THIS house ;))  So I asked Stephen if I could take some of my paycheck and get some fall decorations.  When he said yes I don't think he actually knew what he was saying!  There's still so much more I'd like to do, but that will have to wait till next year.  So in the mean time I will be enjoying what I got this year until November 23 rolls around and the real decorating begins!

Dave Ramsey, It's a Love Hate Relationship!

So Dave and I haven't always been friends over these past three years since he came into my life.  You see I have a spending problem and I LOVE clothes.  When Stephen and I first got married I pretty much bought a new outfit every week.  This was fine and dandy, but the problem was that we had a ton of credit card debt.  When you are in pharmacy school and your financial aid doesn't come through, a semester of living on credit adds up quickly.  So we started in a huge hole and weren't really making an effort to fill it up.

Then enters Dave.  What a great idea, get out of debt and quickly.  While we do not follow his plan to a T we are trying.  Our debt snow ball is HUGE:  credit cards, cars, the house, and financial aid.  Note I list financial aid last; our payments are more than our mortgage :(  With this in mind I cannot explain to you how overwhelming the idea of the snowball has been and how it feels like we are doing absolutely nothing!  Then add to all that the air conditioner.  About six months into our journey it broke, and when I say it broke I mean the outside unit and the attic unit all had to be replaced to the tune of $10,000.  Well when you're in the midst of trying to get out of hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt which seems impossible to begin with, and then you add another ten at the snap of a finger, you just feel like crying and giving up!  So for the first year of my teaching career, every single pay check for the first six months minus our tithe, went to pay for that stupid air conditioner.  I realize this is what would be called a first world problem and I am absolutely grateful to live in a country where air conditioners are considered an absolute necessity, but when you realize everything awful that's happening during your first year of teaching is all so you can have an airconditioner, it's frustrating to say the least.  So once we had the ac paid for, then we went back to the snow ball.  It's overwhelming and at times you truly can't see the trees from the forest.  Is anything even happening?

Well yesterday those trees separated from the forest.  I am so glad to officially say that we are not only credit card debt free, but also one car note down with the second soon to follow in the next couple of months!  Now that we've gotten the small, but big things out of the way, we can start paying HUGE chunks on the the other car and then the house and financial aid.

Like I said, we don't follow him exactly, but what we are doing  what seems to finally be working.  (Really it was working all along, we just couldn't see it.)  I feel like we make way  better financial decisions, with room for slip ups every now and then, and God is blessing us.

One of the decisions I'm most proud of was the route we took when purchasing our new house in Nac.  Rather than building that dream home we would live in for the rest of our lives, we decided to go practical.  We upgraded in size,  large enough to have plenty of space for the size family we want (I would like to side note that while we had a "number" of kids we wanted, at this point we will be grateful for just one.) but not new and in a price range that we could have it paid off in fifteen years.  The coolest thing is that after all the paper work was said and done and we knew exactly what our mortgage was going to be, we decided to pay an extra $500.00 a month which is going to translate to having it paid off in 8-10 years!  And we LOVE the house and the only "work" we are doing to it is on the outside with the yard.  We were also able to furnish the new house and new rooms with all used furniture.  It really is amazing all the deals we found at the time of the move.  It was almost like we were being blessed for being frugal.  I got exactly what I wanted and at way discounted prices!

So we are trying.  We aren't perfect Dave Ramsey students and we still have WAY too much fun sometimes with our spending (but all with cash!) but we are doing it and the snow ball just increased its speed from 5mph to about 70mph!

True Love

It's true love when Stephen will get in the car at ten thirty at night to go to the pharmacy and pick up some tampons for me.  This is one of the ways I know he loves me!

I missed four pills through the course of this month.  Not on purpose, but I did.  A little part of me was crushed yesterday when I started.  I know I'm not ovulating so there's no way I could get pregnant so sometimes I even wonder why I have to take these pills.  But I do and so, unlike most who are taking the pill, I have hope it won't work, that God will work a miracle, that I would ovulate and by his grace conceive.  But I didn't and that's okay.  It just means we are one cycle closer to treatments.  So for now I will continue to wait.

Dr. Vineyard's Office

So it's been a month now and I can honestly say I really do love my job!  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me these past several weeks.  Unfortunately there have already been several opportunities for me to try and give what little comfort I can through my words and actions.  I truly am grateful that I can better know what to and what not to say since I've been there.  I haven't really had any days yet where I've felt overwhelmed by the pregnant bellies and for that I am grateful. 

I'm learning so many new things, I'm pretty sure I'll have my MD by the end of next month ;) but in all seriousness, while I had no reference point when starting this job, I have found that I know more than I thought and am a really quick learner.  It all fascinates me and I think that's why I like it so much!  The ladies I work with are great, and of course I love the Dr.  That's why I go to him:)

On a side note, one of the things I do is help balance the books.  If you are reading this, can I kindly ask you to make sure you pay your bills.  Even if you can't pay the entire bill, something is better than nothing.  Skip that daily coke or coffee and pay twenty-five dollars a month...or just something because the truth is, when you don't pay your bill you are stealing.  I think it's my frustration on this topic that is part of what has helped me not be frustrated by being around lots of pregnant women ;)

PO'ed House Work

It's pretty amazing how much house work one can get done in a very little amount of time when they are PO'ed. Just 12:38 am observation.

Life's Not Fair

Life's not fair, probably the most common statement made by parents all round the world to their grumbling children.  I'm pretty sure my heavenly Father has been shouting that at me this weekend while listening to my thought life.  For some reason this weekend has been hard.

Two years ago I was in the midst of what so far has been the worst part of this infertility journey.  I vividly remember not wanting to go over to my in-laws for meals.  When the whole Wyatt clan gets together there is not enough room for everyone at the dinning table so we have to put two people at the extra table.  Naturally that is the couple who doesn't have kids.  There was about a year period where I dreaded this scenario.  As we would sit and eat I would feel so isolated and left out.  No one was leaving me out, it wasn't like we weren't part of the table conversation but at times I felt like we had  been banished to the "couples without kids" table.  Obviously this is not the case, but the feelings were still there.  I would sit and look at everyone talking and taking care of their kids and realize I had nothing exciting to offer, just me.  Life was not fair.  (Jane, please do NOT hear me saying we don't want to sit at our little table!  I love the little table and it has become "our" place and I don't want that to change.  It has a whole new meaning to me these days!)

I've come a long way in the past two years and gotten out of my angry/jealous stage, for the most part, but unfortunately those feelings still creep up sometimes.  This weekend seemed to be one of those times.  It wasn't anything anyone did and there was nothing that could have helped stop those feelings.  I think it's because we celebrated my nephew's third birthday.  I remember the day he was born, going to the hospital that night.  Up until that point I was completely content to be child free and still planning to stick with our five year plan.  But something changed in me that weekend.  As I sat and held him in the hospital and then his first day home, a little part of me began to wonder," maybe we shouldn't wait five years."  It was over the next month that I thought over our five year plan and God completely changed my desires.  I wanted a baby and not in two more years, now.

So I think it was Jack's birthday and the realization that we are almost to the three year mark that made me hyper sensitive this weekend.  I found myself thinking it's not fair, over and over.

I know my heavenly Father has been looking over me this weekend shaking His head.  Like I've written before, the truth is that if life was fair, God would not have sent his only son to die for my sins on the cross. What's fair about perfect Jesus having to die a cruel death because of MY imperfection and sin.

So as I find myself creeping slowly back towards that place of anger and resentment at my situation, I must ultimately find gratitude in the fact that life is not fair.  And remember that just because God has not blessed me with a child does not mean he's cursing me; it just means he's chosen to give me different blessings at this time. 

If you don't mind, please pray for my heart.  Pray that I will not be consumed with the "life's not fair" syndrome and that I can focus on the blessings God has given me at this time!

Enfamil

So I got some free enfamil in the mail today. Just a friendly reminder that I should be 34 weeks pregnant. I wonder what I would look like?

Old College Tri

I have to say I'm pretty proud of Callie Berry, JoDee Woodcock and myself.  It's not that I doubted we could do it, I just didn't know how well we could do on our first "tri."

God was gracious and gave us 50 degree weather this morning and it was magnificent.

The swim was interesting, while we entered the pool one at a time three seconds apart.  I was number 164 and JoDee was number 165.  Callies number was in the 200s so she wasn't up with us at the start :(  Everyone was seated by our estimated swim times.  You were supposed to swim on the right and pass on the left, but people were not very good at following the rules.  This made for an awkward swim where several times I had to actually stop swimming and do a breast stroke amidst my freestyle as not to hit anyone, and a few times I didn't get to flipturn because someone was sitting on the wall.  Because of all this I think the most frustrating thing is that our swim time is not really reflective of what we can do because mine ended up being a bit faster than JoDee's, but we know she is fast than me!

The transition from the pool to the bike was one of the things I was most worried about.  The logistics of getting dried off, making sure my feet were dry, and that water was not dripping all over me.  While I had run through it all in my head over and over, when it actually happened I didn't really think, I just did.  I'm pretty sure I only dried me feet off, not by body.  As I was exiting the transition area, I started to mount my bike about five feet before I was really supposed to.  People began yelling at me, "not yet!"  So with my legs on both sides of the bike I did this awkward walk/run forward to where I could actually mount.  The bike was COLD.  A wet body plus 50 degree weather equals freezing ears.  I might mention here that I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection that hit with it's full effects last night:  splitting head ache, eyeballs feeling as thought they are about to pop out, pressure under my cheek bones, ear ache, soar throat, the whole nine yards!  So as I began the ride, my nose started to run and there was nothing I could do to stop it!  The first six miles seemed to take forever.  We weren't allowed to have any electronics so I could not have my phone on me to tell me my distance and speed.  I kept thinking, "are we every going to get to the turn around!"  Sure enough we did and JoDee was a little ways behind me.  It wasn't very far after that she passed me up.  That girl has some serious leg muscles!  I was also able to give Callie a shout out as I was headed back.  As I returned to the transition area on my bike, Shawn was there yelling us on and let me know JoDee was just a little bit ahead.  Now JoDee, I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty upset with myself that I let you get so far ahead on that bike ;)

As I began my transition from the bike to the run one thing I had not experience in any of my  brick workouts were my fingers not wanting to work.  I found myself having a really hard time tying my shoes!  It was like I couldn't get them to bend.  I think it was a combination of the cold and my squeezing the handles bars too tight on my ride.  After what seemed like ten minutes, I was up and running.  Unless you've ever done a brick there is really know way to explain the feeling in your legs except for noodle-ish.  I could see JoDee way a head, probably half a mile.  I set a goal to catch up with her around the half way point.  It took me a little longer, but I caught her around the second mile.  That last mile was pretty aweful and for a second I wanted to walk, but then I thought about Trent. 

Trent is one of my brother's best friends.  He is a two time IronMan and was in a REALLY bad bike accident several months ago.  He has gone from being THE physical therapist to being IN physical therapy.  At that moment when I wanted to give up I thought about all the hard work Trent is having to do in recovery and that the pain that I was feeling, that I knew would not last any more than ten more minutes, paled in comparison.  So I pushed through and when I entered the stadium and stepped onto the football field, I finished as fast as I could.  I'm sure I looked like I was just jogging, but in my mind I was running like the wind!

Over the past year and a half I've gone from not running since high school to participating in 5K's, one 10K and now a Sprint Tri.  With all I've accomplished over the past year, today I felt most accomplished.  I finish, ran the entire way, and even placed fifth in my age group.

Here's the breakdown of my race results for the 250 swim, 12 mile bike, and 3 mile run...
 
I finished 192nd overall (there were 800+ athletes) and 5th in my age group.  My overall time was 1:18:48.7.  I ranked 2nd in my age group on the swim with a 4:02.3, 11th in my age group on the bike with a 44:10.1, and 8th in my age group on the run with a 27:06.2.

I'd also like to mention here how proud I am of Callie.  The wording on her pump today says it all, "Take that Type I!"  I know her life changed drastically with her diagnosis eight years ago, but she has not let it keep her down.  I take for granted that I can just hop on a bike and ride, jump in the pool and swim, or throw on my shoes and run.  She has to worry about blood sugar levels, insulin, sugar tablets and even has to eat while she rides (something I don't think I could ever logistically do!) Callie you are an inspiration to me of determination and perseverance.  I am so proud to call you friend!

And JoDee, girl I've had so much fun these past several months making up for all the fun we missed out on from not being friends in high school ;) Its so awesome to see who God puts in our paths and at what times in life.  He's put you here for such a time as this.  You've been an encourager and true friend.  Thank you for hanging out with my crazy self! 

I would not have been able to do this without either Callie or JoDee.  Thank you both so much for doing this with me and keeping me honest with my workouts and being amazing friends!

New Job, Isn't It Ironic?

So I'm going to start a new job on Tuesday.  God sure does have a sense of humor, or at least that's what I'm choosing to call it.  On the first day of the Going Out of Business Sale at Kennedy's, we experienced what I would describe as a Black Friday x10 type of day.  In the midst of all the chaos there was a one minute lull where I was able to step back and catch my breather after about a three hour marathon of discount calculations, finding  boxes, and ringing people up.  During those few seconds my OBGYN, Dr. Vineyard came up to me to ask what my plans where after the store closed.  I told him I didn't really have any and judging by the look on his face I went out on a limb and asked, "Why, do you have something for me?"  He said he quite possibly did to which I asked if it would be full time or part time because I only wanted to work part time. 

So long story short, I will be a part off Dr. Vineyard's new office staff starting Tuesday.  I'll be working full time for the first few months until we get everything moving smoothly and then transition to part time.  It's going to be an exciting new adventure. 

"So how are you going to handle being around pregnant women all day, everyday," you might be thinking.  Well that's were I think God has a sense of humor.  Truthfully if you asked me if I wanted to hang out with pregnant women all day I would say NO, probably with some expletives in front of the no.  But when Dr. Vineyard first mentioned the idea of my working for him my immediate thought was, "that would be awesome!"  You see I love my doctor and through this entire ordeal and most recently with my miscarriage and DNC he has been so compassionate and gone above and beyond his job description.  The thought of working for him truly seems like an answer to my prayer of finding part time work that was only during the week and not in retail or education.  While seeing pregnant women from all different circumstances come through those doors will be hard, I also know that God will be putting me smack dap in the middle of the paths of women who are experiencing the pain of infertility and miscarriages.  The opportunity to know these women and be able to pray for them and hurt with them, though it will most often be silently, can be a ministry and this is part of why I am excited about this new job!

All that being said, I ask that you would please pray for me.  Pray that God protects my heart and that I do not find myself overwhelmed with jealousy and sadness.  Pray that He puts the right people in my path and that I can minister when the opportunity presents itself to ladies who are hurting and experience grief few can understand.  Pray for the three other ladies I will be working with because things are going to be really crazy these first few months, pray for Dr. Vineyard, that he will be able to provide the perfect care for each individual patient and pray those patients will feel loved and valued by the entire staff!

So THIS is the Real Problem?

So we knew we needed to stop the other forms of BC when we started trying to conceive, but who knew Stephen needed to stop wearing his crocs with socks!  Problem solved?    ;)

Interpretive Dancing

Stephen Wyatt has been know on occasion to be moved by the spirit and do a little "interpretive dancing."  He says its his gift to humanity and its to help people better themselves.  (That's pretty much a direct quote!)  Seeing as how my husband will only slow dance with me, a girl has to take what she can get.  This special dancing often comes late at night about two or three times a year.  Two nights ago I was graced by a new "routine" that had an actual full out leap.  These dances usually last about three seconds, but this one the other night, oh it was extra special because just when I thought the dance was over he came back with more!

It's these types of moments that truly capture the heart of my husband.  Always willing to laugh at himself to see you smile.  It's one of the qualities I love best about him.  Laughter is good for the bones and man did my bones get a workout last night!

Thank you babe for being you!

Crying with Someone

I could try and eloquently write this post, but I just don't feel like it.  So here it is in its rawest form.

Have you ever cried WITH another person.  I can honestly say that until last night I don't think I have.  The moment I read the post of a special friend from my past, it was like a wound was opened and the tears began to come.  I knew in that moment that "secret pain" that you can't explain and that no one can understand unless they have been there too.  It was like the wound that has been healing in me these past four months was ripped open, but the pain I was experiencing was not for me, but rather for her.  I can't explain it.  Luckily I also cannot explain the peace among chaos that Christ can bring.

A Box of Letters to My Husband

I have a box that contains 30+ letters I started writing to my husband the summer before my freshman year in high school.  It not only contains these letters but other mementos that are special to me.  When we miscarried in April I wanted to put all the cards of encouragement I received in the box along with my sono pictures, but I couldn't find it!  I pretty much had a heart attack, but I knew I had packed it when we moved and eventually I would find it and that's just what happened tonight.  So I thought I'd let you in on a small part of Stephen and my's story:)

"6-22-01

Sweetheart,

I've waited all my life for this day!  The day that I became yours.  The thing I love most about our relationship is our number one love, the common bond we share, God.  I love that it is through your love for God that we have come to love each other.  You are better than anyone I could have ever dreamed up or wanted.  I want you to know that I have been praying for you ever since I was a little girl.  The man of my dreams, that is what you are.  When you walk into the room you make my heart pound and the room seems to spin.  You make me the happiest woman alive and I can't wait to start our lives, the rest of our lives.  It seems like an eternity, but yet it is only a short while.  I pray that as our relationship grows we will grow in our personal relationships with God.  I pray that we will seek out God's will in our marriage and that he will bless us.  I pray that we will live to see our 50th wedding anniversary and that our children and grand children will be blessed.  As a young girl I've searched for a definition of love.  In the secular world today love can be a twisted and over used word, but in God's word, he gives us a clear definition of what love is.
     'Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not  
      self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Loves does not delight in evil but
      rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
This definition fits our love for each other so well.  Thank you for making my dreams come true and for
      being the second love of my life and sharing my first love, God.'

Your Wife,
Anna"

Man I love this letter and love that it rings true even to this day eleven years later.  Then fast forward four years  in the midst of what I thought was one of the most difficult times in my life and see what I wrote.

"November 7, 2005

Sweetheart,

Wow again it's been over a year since I've written last.  So much has happened over the past year and especially the past six months.  So I thought I knew who you were, but God knew otherwise....I just can't wait to see how amazing you are!  WOW we are getting married tomorrow and as I am writting this I have no clue who you are.  But I do know you're amazing, amazing, amazing!  Why you've chosen me I have no clue, but thank you.  I want you to know I can't wait to do your laundry, cook your food, clean your house, and have your children!  I want to serve you as a wife is supposed to and I know that in return you are going to love me just as Christ loved the church, and I thank you for that!  So know that even though I haven't written as often as I did in the beginning, I do think of you often, probably more than I should.  I love you.

Love,
Anna"

It's amazing how God works and the things he uses to prepare us for that perfect person.  Little did I know that only a few weeks later some guy named Stephen Wyatt would add me as a friend on FaceBook.

"January 18, 2006

Stephen Wyatt,

Your name is Stephen Wyatt and I am marrying you tomorrow.  Wow to think back in November when I wrote you the last letter I hadn't even met you and here it is two months later and I know you are going to be my husband.  Babe I love you with all my heart and we've only been dating for 17 days.  I'm excited to see how much more our love will grow over the years.  I want you to know I will always love you.  Babe, tonight you said something that is so true.  You said "God knows the desire of our hearts and you know that's right" and you were the desire of my heart and he gave me to you.  Oh my gosh... you have a name and a face.  I know who you are.  I've waited my whole life to know you and now I do.  Alright I'll stop rambling but I'll leave you with this...tomorrow I hope to make you the happiest man alive that is humanly possible and know that you will do the same for me.

Love Your Wife,
Anna"

I love that I have written documentation with dates where I can look back and see God's faithfulness!  I'll leave you with one more thing.  The card Stephen gave me for my 21st birthday, 13 days after our first date...

The front read, "There is more to your life than you ever thought.  There is more to your story than what you have read." (Max Lucado)

The inside read, "Through the Lord, may this coming year be even more than you ever dreamed it could be!  Happy Birthday!  "...'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" I Corinthians 2:9

And Stephen wrote, "Anna, I laboard and lamented over what I could put down on this wide open space, but when it comes down to it, I could not think of anything to say that the card had not already.  There are many things that I do not undertand, and many more things that I do not know.  A few things that I do know are quite simple.  One thing is there is you and there is me, together.  No mirrors or smoke, just the two of us, and that makes me very happy.  I could try and promise the world, some of what it has to offer and not deliver, but then how would I be any different than any other guy.  Instead, I offer what is written on the faces of this card, and I hope to show you more than you could ever have dreamed of.  Happy 21st Birthday. Stephen"

This past week I was talking with some people about how fast everything moved with Stephen and me.  I think this card sums up my 21st year of life and also give a glimpse into how I just knew 13 days after our first date that we were going to get married!

Pride

Have you ever experienced those moments in which God sends someone or something just when you need it most and sometimes despite your not wanting it?  Tuesday this happened to me.  After we performed the Christmas Program in Indiana we stayed to "listen" to another group who in actuality lead us in worship.  At the end the leader asked those who needed prayer to stand up so others could come around them and lift them up to the Lord.  In my moment of pride I did not stand.  In a room where I knew everyone present was a Christian and would not judge I still did not stand and let my pride get in my way.   BUT God saw me and Stacia Prince listened to His voice.  She leaned over and said she knew I was not standing but that she wanted to pray for my anyway.  I cannot begin to put into words how God used her Tuesday night and so I simply say thank you, thank you that while I let pride get in my why you did not and were sensitive to the Lords nudge.

When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden

I picked up this book back in November at a Women's Conference at DTS.  At the time Stephen and I had just hit our two year mark of TTC (trying to conceive) and were waiting for our first appointment with the specialist in Shreveport.  I had already read two other amazing book on infertility (Hannah's Hope and The Infertility Companion) but this was the first one I had seen that focused on the couple rather than the woman or just being medical facts.  What I love about the book is that it is co-authored by a woman who has experienced all the ups and downs of infertility and a medical doctor who specialized in fertility and yet has a seminary degree.  Their bios from the back of the book read as follows...
   
Sandra Glahn, ThM, serves on the faculty at Dallas Seminary, where she edits the award winning magazine Kindred Spirit.  A PhD candidate at the University of Texas at Dallas, she is the author of the Coffee Cup Bible Studies series and coauthor of seven books about marriage and reproductive issues, including Sexual Intamacy in Marriage.

William Cutrer, MD, is a licensed obstetrician/gynecologist who specialized in the treatment of infertility for more than fifteen years.  He also holds a graduate degree form Dallas Theological Seminary, is an ordained minister, and serves as the Gheens Professor of Christian Ministry at Southern Baptist Seminary.  Dr. Cutrer has authored or coauthored nine books inlucing, The Church Leader's Handbook.

The book hits several topics from how men and women grieve differently, how to strengthen your marriage during infertility, how to deal with inappropriate comments from outsiders, the "why me" question, dealing with pregnancy loss, and even a close look at the major moral issues facing those who want to pursue treatment.  

I started reading the book back in November and got 3/4 of the way finished.  I stopped reading with only three chapters left:  When the Cradle is Empty:  Pregnancy Loss, For those who Parent :Exclusion or Empathy, and When Resolution Doesn't Mean Conception.  At the time I didn't feel the urgency to finish the book and really didn't see how it applied to me at that point.  And I was right that it did not apply to me at the time, but I knew those last chapters were still there ready to be read and I had been putting it off, until this weekend.  As I packed my bag for my choir trip to Indiana I saw the book sitting there asking to be finished.  So I picked it up and put it in my purse.  After finishing the last chapters I went back and looked at everything I had underlined.  It's amazing how I can just read one sentence and remember almost exactly why I underlined it.  So here are a few things I found myself rereading and how I feel about them...

• Men's reactions to infertility are delayed by about three years from their wives reactions.

• I found this statement more interesting when I read it earlier this week than when I read it last November seeing as how we are coming up on our three year mark. 

• The Man's loss with infertility is the loss of a secondary role since his primary role is provider.  

• In contrast, the loss I feel is primary.  I have always longed to be a stay at home mom and have several children.  As a wife I have seen this role as my primary role. 

•  I can think constantly about infertility while still going about my daily routine.  Everything I do is filtered through that lens.
• I wish it wasn't that way, but infertility is now my identity.  Just like if I was a mother my identity would be mom and everything I would do would be filtered through that lens.   

• There is a 41% increase in conflict between spouses and a decline in marital satisfaction when diagnosed with infertility.  
• I am thankful to God every day that this statistic does not apply to Stephen and I, but it is a real possibility so I ask for your prayers that we do not experience this part of the struggle.

• On a positive note, most couples who survive the infertility crisis find their marriages MORE satisfying.
• I feel like we are in this boat already and this has not only brought us closer to God but also closer to one another.

•  Genesis 2:24 talks about leaving and cleaving and becoming one flesh.
• It is so comforting to know that Stephen did not marry me to have children with me, he married me because he loved me and I because I loved him.  Yes while we want children they are not the primary reason we got married and in that I find comfort!

• Even though our infertility diagnosis centers around me it is still "our" problem.
• I am so grateful that through this all Stephen has shared the burden and never left me feeling like I was alone or at fault.

• You must separate lovemaking from babymaking.
• This is probably TMI, but I have a hard time with this one.  Like I've written before in the "What Not to Say" post, the "at least you're having fun trying" statement is often far from the truth.  Treatments can be exhausting and at times it feels like there is a third party in your bed, the doctor.  I try and make a conscious effort to separate these two things but it's really hard to do.  This is probably one of the places I struggle the most.

• How do you strengthen your relationship during inferitlity, start by remembering who is most important.
• God and then Stephen!  So focusing on these two can help keep things in perspective.  I've said it often that Stephen is enough.  It doesn't mean I don't deeply and I mean deeply desire to have a baby, but if God chooses otherwise (but I pray he doesn't) he has given me an amazing man to spend the rest of my life with and for that I am eternally grateful!

• You must be careful to not enter the "suffering Olympics."
• This is with Stephen and with others.  All pain is real and legitimate when it is experienced and I must make sure not to minimize others pain because I don't see it as being as big or important as my own.

• "If you take a break from one cycle, you will lose the only chance you will ever have to conceive."
• This is a lie I know Satan has used on me a time or two and in some ways it's the way I feel about this six month wait we are currently in.  But at the end of the day I know that God already knows how this plays out and breaks can and are good not only for my body, but also for Stephen and my's relationship.

• The desire to adopt does not always happen at the same time for husband and wife.
• We won't necessarily come to this desire at the same time and that is okay.  We just have to be patient with one another and honest with how we feel.

• "If a couple goes through the whole process holding their marriage together and emerging stronger, they may not achieve pregnancy, but in life they are a great success story."
• This statement brings me so much comfort.  Regardless, Stephen and I will have a success story!

• "Did you know one study indicates that fertility patients are second only to cancer patients in what they are willing to endure for a cure."
• If you know me and how I feel about needles then you begin by a fraction to understand this statement (however please DO NOT think I am comparing myself to a cancer patient, only that I see how this statement can play out in terms of lengths of time and amounts of money many fertility patients are willing to spend.)

• The more optimistic an infertility patient is at the beginning of a cycle, the harder they crash at the end.
• This resonates so much with me and unfortunately this is what robs the joy from any good news that I get.  I try to be indifferent when going through treatment and expect that it won't work.  When I get my hopes up I endure a much hard sucker punch when it doesn't take. 

• God is big enough to handle my anger and disappointment towards him.  
• I can be mad at God because he's a big boy.  And sometimes I just have to let it out.  At the end of the day I know he loves me and I know his truths, but it's okay to have moments of frustration and brutal honesty with my Savior.

• "People frequently ask how far along you were assuming the further you were the more difficult the loss."
• This is one of the things that I have a hard time with because even if I had miscarried at six weeks my pain would still have been real and the same.  Loss is loss no matter how you cut it and my baby was a human being who was loved and wanted more than anything in this world.

These were just a few things I had underlined and highlighted in the book.  It helps me to read and see that my feelings are not crazy and others experience them too.  My prayer is that Stephen and I come out of this stronger and with a deeper relationship with one another and with God.