True Love

It's true love when Stephen will get in the car at ten thirty at night to go to the pharmacy and pick up some tampons for me.  This is one of the ways I know he loves me!

I missed four pills through the course of this month.  Not on purpose, but I did.  A little part of me was crushed yesterday when I started.  I know I'm not ovulating so there's no way I could get pregnant so sometimes I even wonder why I have to take these pills.  But I do and so, unlike most who are taking the pill, I have hope it won't work, that God will work a miracle, that I would ovulate and by his grace conceive.  But I didn't and that's okay.  It just means we are one cycle closer to treatments.  So for now I will continue to wait.

Dr. Vineyard's Office

So it's been a month now and I can honestly say I really do love my job!  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me these past several weeks.  Unfortunately there have already been several opportunities for me to try and give what little comfort I can through my words and actions.  I truly am grateful that I can better know what to and what not to say since I've been there.  I haven't really had any days yet where I've felt overwhelmed by the pregnant bellies and for that I am grateful. 

I'm learning so many new things, I'm pretty sure I'll have my MD by the end of next month ;) but in all seriousness, while I had no reference point when starting this job, I have found that I know more than I thought and am a really quick learner.  It all fascinates me and I think that's why I like it so much!  The ladies I work with are great, and of course I love the Dr.  That's why I go to him:)

On a side note, one of the things I do is help balance the books.  If you are reading this, can I kindly ask you to make sure you pay your bills.  Even if you can't pay the entire bill, something is better than nothing.  Skip that daily coke or coffee and pay twenty-five dollars a month...or just something because the truth is, when you don't pay your bill you are stealing.  I think it's my frustration on this topic that is part of what has helped me not be frustrated by being around lots of pregnant women ;)

PO'ed House Work

It's pretty amazing how much house work one can get done in a very little amount of time when they are PO'ed. Just 12:38 am observation.

Life's Not Fair

Life's not fair, probably the most common statement made by parents all round the world to their grumbling children.  I'm pretty sure my heavenly Father has been shouting that at me this weekend while listening to my thought life.  For some reason this weekend has been hard.

Two years ago I was in the midst of what so far has been the worst part of this infertility journey.  I vividly remember not wanting to go over to my in-laws for meals.  When the whole Wyatt clan gets together there is not enough room for everyone at the dinning table so we have to put two people at the extra table.  Naturally that is the couple who doesn't have kids.  There was about a year period where I dreaded this scenario.  As we would sit and eat I would feel so isolated and left out.  No one was leaving me out, it wasn't like we weren't part of the table conversation but at times I felt like we had  been banished to the "couples without kids" table.  Obviously this is not the case, but the feelings were still there.  I would sit and look at everyone talking and taking care of their kids and realize I had nothing exciting to offer, just me.  Life was not fair.  (Jane, please do NOT hear me saying we don't want to sit at our little table!  I love the little table and it has become "our" place and I don't want that to change.  It has a whole new meaning to me these days!)

I've come a long way in the past two years and gotten out of my angry/jealous stage, for the most part, but unfortunately those feelings still creep up sometimes.  This weekend seemed to be one of those times.  It wasn't anything anyone did and there was nothing that could have helped stop those feelings.  I think it's because we celebrated my nephew's third birthday.  I remember the day he was born, going to the hospital that night.  Up until that point I was completely content to be child free and still planning to stick with our five year plan.  But something changed in me that weekend.  As I sat and held him in the hospital and then his first day home, a little part of me began to wonder," maybe we shouldn't wait five years."  It was over the next month that I thought over our five year plan and God completely changed my desires.  I wanted a baby and not in two more years, now.

So I think it was Jack's birthday and the realization that we are almost to the three year mark that made me hyper sensitive this weekend.  I found myself thinking it's not fair, over and over.

I know my heavenly Father has been looking over me this weekend shaking His head.  Like I've written before, the truth is that if life was fair, God would not have sent his only son to die for my sins on the cross. What's fair about perfect Jesus having to die a cruel death because of MY imperfection and sin.

So as I find myself creeping slowly back towards that place of anger and resentment at my situation, I must ultimately find gratitude in the fact that life is not fair.  And remember that just because God has not blessed me with a child does not mean he's cursing me; it just means he's chosen to give me different blessings at this time. 

If you don't mind, please pray for my heart.  Pray that I will not be consumed with the "life's not fair" syndrome and that I can focus on the blessings God has given me at this time!

Enfamil

So I got some free enfamil in the mail today. Just a friendly reminder that I should be 34 weeks pregnant. I wonder what I would look like?

Old College Tri

I have to say I'm pretty proud of Callie Berry, JoDee Woodcock and myself.  It's not that I doubted we could do it, I just didn't know how well we could do on our first "tri."

God was gracious and gave us 50 degree weather this morning and it was magnificent.

The swim was interesting, while we entered the pool one at a time three seconds apart.  I was number 164 and JoDee was number 165.  Callies number was in the 200s so she wasn't up with us at the start :(  Everyone was seated by our estimated swim times.  You were supposed to swim on the right and pass on the left, but people were not very good at following the rules.  This made for an awkward swim where several times I had to actually stop swimming and do a breast stroke amidst my freestyle as not to hit anyone, and a few times I didn't get to flipturn because someone was sitting on the wall.  Because of all this I think the most frustrating thing is that our swim time is not really reflective of what we can do because mine ended up being a bit faster than JoDee's, but we know she is fast than me!

The transition from the pool to the bike was one of the things I was most worried about.  The logistics of getting dried off, making sure my feet were dry, and that water was not dripping all over me.  While I had run through it all in my head over and over, when it actually happened I didn't really think, I just did.  I'm pretty sure I only dried me feet off, not by body.  As I was exiting the transition area, I started to mount my bike about five feet before I was really supposed to.  People began yelling at me, "not yet!"  So with my legs on both sides of the bike I did this awkward walk/run forward to where I could actually mount.  The bike was COLD.  A wet body plus 50 degree weather equals freezing ears.  I might mention here that I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection that hit with it's full effects last night:  splitting head ache, eyeballs feeling as thought they are about to pop out, pressure under my cheek bones, ear ache, soar throat, the whole nine yards!  So as I began the ride, my nose started to run and there was nothing I could do to stop it!  The first six miles seemed to take forever.  We weren't allowed to have any electronics so I could not have my phone on me to tell me my distance and speed.  I kept thinking, "are we every going to get to the turn around!"  Sure enough we did and JoDee was a little ways behind me.  It wasn't very far after that she passed me up.  That girl has some serious leg muscles!  I was also able to give Callie a shout out as I was headed back.  As I returned to the transition area on my bike, Shawn was there yelling us on and let me know JoDee was just a little bit ahead.  Now JoDee, I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty upset with myself that I let you get so far ahead on that bike ;)

As I began my transition from the bike to the run one thing I had not experience in any of my  brick workouts were my fingers not wanting to work.  I found myself having a really hard time tying my shoes!  It was like I couldn't get them to bend.  I think it was a combination of the cold and my squeezing the handles bars too tight on my ride.  After what seemed like ten minutes, I was up and running.  Unless you've ever done a brick there is really know way to explain the feeling in your legs except for noodle-ish.  I could see JoDee way a head, probably half a mile.  I set a goal to catch up with her around the half way point.  It took me a little longer, but I caught her around the second mile.  That last mile was pretty aweful and for a second I wanted to walk, but then I thought about Trent. 

Trent is one of my brother's best friends.  He is a two time IronMan and was in a REALLY bad bike accident several months ago.  He has gone from being THE physical therapist to being IN physical therapy.  At that moment when I wanted to give up I thought about all the hard work Trent is having to do in recovery and that the pain that I was feeling, that I knew would not last any more than ten more minutes, paled in comparison.  So I pushed through and when I entered the stadium and stepped onto the football field, I finished as fast as I could.  I'm sure I looked like I was just jogging, but in my mind I was running like the wind!

Over the past year and a half I've gone from not running since high school to participating in 5K's, one 10K and now a Sprint Tri.  With all I've accomplished over the past year, today I felt most accomplished.  I finish, ran the entire way, and even placed fifth in my age group.

Here's the breakdown of my race results for the 250 swim, 12 mile bike, and 3 mile run...
 
I finished 192nd overall (there were 800+ athletes) and 5th in my age group.  My overall time was 1:18:48.7.  I ranked 2nd in my age group on the swim with a 4:02.3, 11th in my age group on the bike with a 44:10.1, and 8th in my age group on the run with a 27:06.2.

I'd also like to mention here how proud I am of Callie.  The wording on her pump today says it all, "Take that Type I!"  I know her life changed drastically with her diagnosis eight years ago, but she has not let it keep her down.  I take for granted that I can just hop on a bike and ride, jump in the pool and swim, or throw on my shoes and run.  She has to worry about blood sugar levels, insulin, sugar tablets and even has to eat while she rides (something I don't think I could ever logistically do!) Callie you are an inspiration to me of determination and perseverance.  I am so proud to call you friend!

And JoDee, girl I've had so much fun these past several months making up for all the fun we missed out on from not being friends in high school ;) Its so awesome to see who God puts in our paths and at what times in life.  He's put you here for such a time as this.  You've been an encourager and true friend.  Thank you for hanging out with my crazy self! 

I would not have been able to do this without either Callie or JoDee.  Thank you both so much for doing this with me and keeping me honest with my workouts and being amazing friends!

New Job, Isn't It Ironic?

So I'm going to start a new job on Tuesday.  God sure does have a sense of humor, or at least that's what I'm choosing to call it.  On the first day of the Going Out of Business Sale at Kennedy's, we experienced what I would describe as a Black Friday x10 type of day.  In the midst of all the chaos there was a one minute lull where I was able to step back and catch my breather after about a three hour marathon of discount calculations, finding  boxes, and ringing people up.  During those few seconds my OBGYN, Dr. Vineyard came up to me to ask what my plans where after the store closed.  I told him I didn't really have any and judging by the look on his face I went out on a limb and asked, "Why, do you have something for me?"  He said he quite possibly did to which I asked if it would be full time or part time because I only wanted to work part time. 

So long story short, I will be a part off Dr. Vineyard's new office staff starting Tuesday.  I'll be working full time for the first few months until we get everything moving smoothly and then transition to part time.  It's going to be an exciting new adventure. 

"So how are you going to handle being around pregnant women all day, everyday," you might be thinking.  Well that's were I think God has a sense of humor.  Truthfully if you asked me if I wanted to hang out with pregnant women all day I would say NO, probably with some expletives in front of the no.  But when Dr. Vineyard first mentioned the idea of my working for him my immediate thought was, "that would be awesome!"  You see I love my doctor and through this entire ordeal and most recently with my miscarriage and DNC he has been so compassionate and gone above and beyond his job description.  The thought of working for him truly seems like an answer to my prayer of finding part time work that was only during the week and not in retail or education.  While seeing pregnant women from all different circumstances come through those doors will be hard, I also know that God will be putting me smack dap in the middle of the paths of women who are experiencing the pain of infertility and miscarriages.  The opportunity to know these women and be able to pray for them and hurt with them, though it will most often be silently, can be a ministry and this is part of why I am excited about this new job!

All that being said, I ask that you would please pray for me.  Pray that God protects my heart and that I do not find myself overwhelmed with jealousy and sadness.  Pray that He puts the right people in my path and that I can minister when the opportunity presents itself to ladies who are hurting and experience grief few can understand.  Pray for the three other ladies I will be working with because things are going to be really crazy these first few months, pray for Dr. Vineyard, that he will be able to provide the perfect care for each individual patient and pray those patients will feel loved and valued by the entire staff!