Chronicals of a Five Year Anniversary Trip

Five years.  I know it's not, but it seems like a really long time.

I decided after my miscarriage that we could afford to do a little something financially irresponsible since there wasn't a baby to be preparing for anymore.  Sometimes every once in a while you have remind Dave Ramsey who's really boss at your house!  So I booked a trip to Galveston, the perfect location since we took our first trip to Galveston together the weekend before we got married in 2007.  Jamaica where we honeymooned was out of the question this time, but maybe for our ten year?! 

We headed out of Lufkin as soon as I got out of school Friday around 11:30.  Tammi graciously let us leave our car at her house.  While we originally intended to leave the Escalade those plans changed Thursday.  The odometer was about to roll over to 95,000 miles and we realized we had to make a decision very soon:  were we going to commit to the 2006 and keep it till it no longer could be salvaged or get something new.  So after looking over the options of what was out there Thursday at school, I told Stephen that evening if we were to get something I would like to get a Nissan Murano and I had found a dealership on the way to Galveston.  So we made the jump and stopped on by the dealership on our way down there.  We arrived around 2:30 and left around 6:00 with a new car in hand!  Let me tell you, it has all the bells and whistles, I'm pretty sure it can drive itself.  I know this sounds silly, but in some ways I'm glad to have gotten rid of the Escalade.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but we originally bought it because we had just started trying to have a baby and we knew my two door Pontiac G6, now that's a car I was sad to let go of, wasn't going to work with a car seat.  In some ways the car reminded me of where we have been and almost taunted me at times just saying, look at me...I can hold five car seats and you don't even have one.  So as we drove off the lot on Friday I really wasn't upset to leave it behind at all like I had been when I left my G6.  New car, new prospective, new place in life:)

 
When we arrived in Galveston I was having a little trouble understanding what my new GPS was telling me and I turned a little too soon, but on our way to get back on the right path we noticed that my brother was running for Sheriff ;)

That night we were really tired and while I had intended for us to get all dressed up and go eat at Gaido's we were just too tuckered out so we went as we were.  The food was excellent.  We came back to the room got settled in.  We are not much for keeping secrets and waiting to give gifts, so since I had already gotten my car earlier that day I felt like I didn't have to wait till our actually anniversary to give Stephen his gift.  I'd been sitting on it for over three weeks and that was too long for me to keep a secret; I just couldn't wait another day!

Thank you Nancy Winston for making my iPad buying experience
a little less expensive!  See there was a little Dave Ramsey in our
anniversary with this New to You gift :)

Stephen got me this Willow Tree Anniversary piece.
Notice the man has a receding hairline, a sign it was actually fashioned after us ;)

 After opening our gifts we fell asleep promptly.  I'm pretty sure that makes us a couple of old people!

That next morning we woke up around 9:30 in time to get decent for our room service breakfast.

If you know about my love affair with ketchup,
you'll know how happy it made me
to see this on our tray.

Stephen was ready to dig in!

There is no way anyone could say they don't give you enough syrup for your french toast and waffles.  It was a yummy breakfast in bed that I didn't have to prepare or clean up.

At 11:00 we headed down to the spa for our couples massages.  One thing I was a little disappointed in was their definition of "couple."  We thought it would be like on our honeymoon and we would be in the same room together, but when they came to the relaxation room to get us we were taken to separate rooms.  Kinda defeated the point of couples, but the massage itself was amazing so I guess I'll have to let it slide!

After the massages we got cleaned up and ready for the day.  Our plan was to head to Kemah and spend the afternoon there and eat dinner there as well.  I have to say we were less than pleased with our experience.  We had been under the impression that the boardwalk was a bunch of stores and a few amusement rides.  What we found is it was a bunch of amusement rides and a few shops.  So we only ended up walking around for a couples of hours.  I did buy two dresses and while walking around Stephen spotted this hot mess and made the comment that no one could make fun of his crocs with socks and shorts if they saw this guys. (Might I also note Stephen has progressed to the leather crocs without socks.)  So obviously we had to take a picture which itself was probably worth the $7.00 parking!

We headed back early and strolled down the Strand in Galveston.  This is were we hit the Christmas shopping jackpot!  While I can't really share much of what we found because my family reads this, I can share the most awesome gift we found for my dad!

After walking the Strand we went back to get dressed for the evening.  While strolling down the hallway to our room I found these little gems on someones discarded room service.  Is it considered stealing if it was intended to be thrown away?

While I was getting ready, Stephen called to see about eating at the Steakhouse in the Hotel.  It is supposedly one of the best in the state and so he quickly found they had no reservation for the evening and were not taking any walk ins.  After calling several other places which all had about and hour and a half wait, we decided Gaido's was worth that long of a wait and we didn't want to be disappointed by a place we'd never tried.  So off we went for our second round.  Ironically we were seated at the exact same table.

I must say he is one HOT date!

The wait was supposed to be an hour and a half, but ended up being closer to an hour and forty five.  That was okay though because another older couple from Bryan asked if they could sit at the waiting table we were at and we were able to converse and fill the time.

It was late when when we got back from dinner so we headed to bed and slept in as long as possible.  Sunday morning after checking out we headed back to the Strand to hit up the shops we missed the day before and to eat lunch.  On the way home we made a little detour at Central Market and racked up a $189.00 bill which included random items such as mushrooms, lobster base, fresh squeezed pineapple orange juice, and stargazer lilies to name a few.  It's a good thing we don't live in Houston because I know there is no way I could live off my $60 a week food budget!

All in all it was a great weekend and I am so glad we got to get away.  While we aren't beach people and actually didn't even set foot on the beach or in the pool, we really enjoyed just being with each other with no other distractions.  I am so grateful God chose Stephen for me and I cannot wait to see what else he has in store for our future!

How Camo Met Diamonds: As Told by Camo

This is the story of how I met Stephen according to him and written by him originally on January 23, 2006.  Just 23 days after our first date:)

The story begins with some guys trying to leach some gossip out of a friend about a girl named Anna.  The name stuck with me until mid-December when a Facebook study break was in order.  I decided to check out some 431 boys sites to find this Anna.  The chatter and buzz around her name was all a fishing expedition to get info, but it got my interest none the same.  On John Wyatt's site there was a girl named Anna.  I opened her page and instantly noticed pics from Africa.  My mind bolted for the wild African plains in liu of a a safari.  I began to notice some of the animals were misnamed; I felt it was my duty as a Wildlife major to point out the mistakes.  A short time later she replied back saying thanks for pointing them out and she would fix them later.  The problem was she renamed on of the animals incorrectly again.  She had the Cape buffalo misnamed as a water buffalo.  Anna tried to play it off as a by product of a drug cocktail she was currently taking for her recently dx shingles.  Oddly, that got me interested in learning more about this Anna.  We ended up swapping facebook messaged until she asked for my screenname.  I had no clue what she meant so I claimed ignorance and asked what she was talking about.  She laughed and commented about being related to John Wyatt and not knowing of AOL IM.  I followed her instructions and downloaded AOL IM.  Oh if I only knew the plans that program would lead to.  We chatted for a brief time before Anna had to go and put her roommate Carried at the keyboard.  I stumbled around trying to figure out who Carrie was, and only later, I figured out who she was.  Anna and I stayed up the next night until 3 or 4 AM chatting.  I was blown away (or lifted off my feet) by the words exchanged that night.  After she finally had to go, I instantly sent an old girlfriend, Sarah, a text message telling her I had met HER!!!! I don't believe that the ends always justify the means, but this time I knew I had to do what it took to win this woman's heart.

How Camo Met Diamonds: As Told by Diamonds

Five years ago on April 28, 2007, my life was forever changed.  I stood before my family, friends, and most importantly God and pledged my life to Stephen Edward Wyatt, but that's not where our story really begins.

I'd like to add a disclaimer that Stephen's version of this story might not be exactly the same ;)

In July of 1999, my mom and I drove over from Ruston, Louisiana to Nacogdoches, Texas to scope out rent houses and to try and find her a teaching job.  While in Lousiana teacher hiring starts in July, unfortunately in Texas it starts as early as April.  After going to the central office of NISD and being told their were no openings, my mom back in our hotel room got on the phone and started making phone calls to specific elementary schools.  Low and behold, the central office was mistaken and Don Wyatt wanted my mom to come in immediately for an interview at Fredonia Elementary.  On the spot mom was unofficially offered the job.  Don told her she had truly been an answer to his prayer.  If you know my father in law he does not say that lightly, he truly meant it.  Little did he know Debbie Pruitt would also be bringing to town with her another answer to his prayers, a prayer he had been praying since the moment his son was born.

While I came to Nacogdoches kicking and screaming God knew exactly what he was doing.  I became extremely involved in First Baptist Church and made my life long friends.  Among those friends was John Wyatt, the son of my mom's principal.  To make this part of the story short my high school boyfriend and I were really good friends with John during the five years that we dated and post breakup.

The summer of 2005 brought the end of my relationship with the high school boyfriend.  We took a break that summer while spent the first part in Africa and the second part working at Pine Cove.  In August we decided that yes it was official over.  While I thought it was the end of my world as a knew it, God knows best.

Because Nacogdoches is a small town, navigating the world of dating can become a very closed circle.  I began a fling with one of John's roommates in the Fall of 2005.  To make another long story short, during Thanksgiving break that year the high school boyfriend, college fling and Stephen Wyatt were all over at John's apartment playing x-box.  When the high school boyfriend left others started to harass the college fling and ask if now that he was gone would Anna becoming coming over.  This somewhat peaked Stephen's curiosity and he wanted to know who this Anna girl was they were all talking about.  John told him I was a friend from high school that went to church with them.  I guess that explanation was not enough and Stephen wanted to see what I looked like so he added me on Facebook.

Seeing the little red number one above the friend request on Facebook I clicked it, Stephen Wyatt.  I assume Stephen Wyatt is one of John's older brothers, accept.  And so entered Stephen Wyatt into my life.  Fast forward a week. 

At the end of the worst semester of my college career, attributed to staying out too late, skipping too much class and generally rebelling against everything I knew to be right, I got shingles.  Might I make a side note here that I would not wish shingles on my worse enemy!!!  While up late one night not being able to sleep from the pain I decided to upload my pictures from Africa in an album on Facebook.  While labeling the pictures I miss named a wildebeest as a water buffalo.  Why I have no clue because they do not look anything alike and I do know the difference.  The next morning I have a notification that someone has commented on a picture.  I click it and Stephen, who has a Forestry and Wildlife undergrad degree, has corrected me letting me know it is actually a Water buffalo.  I respond and tell him I know that, I had posted that picture late at night and was on pain killers because I had shingles.  Now Stephen, who is currently in Pharmacy School, begins to ask me how old I am and what meds I am taking.

And so began our online friendship.  We began instant messaging and while he was supposed be studying for his finals, he was staying up till two or three in the morning messaging with me.  Several days into the marathon messaging sessions he asks me what my plans are for the upcoming Wednesday.  A little bummed because I was hoping he was about to ask me out, I had to tell him that I was flying to Alabama to see my parents for Christmas.  He asked me when I would be returning and I said New Years Eve.  Next he asked if I had plans for New Years.  I kid you not, out loud sitting at my computer desk I said to myself, "I do now," as I simply typed no.  So he asked me if he could pick me up from the airport and we could go out and maybe John and Erin could come out with us.  I said sure that sounded like fun. 

So for the next two and a half weeks while I was in Alabama we talked on the phone every night from about eleven to three sometimes four in the morning.  We talked about everything from our past relationships to our life goals to how many kids we wanted to have.  It was like I already knew him before I met him.

Mom my made sure that I knew that if this Stephen guy had not been Don Wyatt's son there was no way she was going to let her 20 year old be picked up by a 27 year old stranger!  So off I went from the Birmingham Airport to meet what I was almost certain would be my husband. 

Funny side story.  Alabama was playing in some NYE bowl game in Dallas and there were several Alabama fans on the flight.  When the plane landed I immediately called my mom and told her how nervous I was!  These two college guys behind me heard our conversation and when I got off the phone they asked if I was meeting someone I had never met.  I told them yes and they asked if they could follow me because they wanted to see what happened.  Obviously I said no!  One because they were creepers and two because they were Alabama fans;)

I called Stephen as I got to baggage claim so we could find each other.  Confession, I saw him and immediately turned my back.  I was so nervous and wanted him to have to approach me rather than me approach him.  After we found each other we got my baggage and then headed to walk around the Galleria to kill some time before John and Erin arrived.  Man I wanted to hold his hand so badly, but I didn't have the nerve to reach over and do it!  We ate at Carraba's that evening and then went back to the condo and the boys made us homemade ice cream.  We played trivial pursuit and just hung out late into the night.  Eventually he reached over and held my hand :)  It was like I was a kid again and I liked it!

We all went back to Nacogdoches the next day and I was anxious to know if he'd call and we'd see each other again before he headed back to Houston.  The morning of January 2, I woke up with the worst stomach virus I have had probably in my life!  I was throwing up every thirty minutes.  I held on till 8:00 and made it to MD2.  The Doctor, after telling me I "looked like shit," direct quote might I add, gave me a shot and then some scrips and sent me home to ride it out.  I didn't' have the energy to go get the scripts filled so I just went back to the apartment.  Eventually Stephen called and I had to tell him I was sick.  He asked if there was anything he could do and I asked him to go get my meds.  I was completely embarrassed because of the way I looked.  He returned with not just my scripts, but sprite and popsicles.  I thought he would leave, but instead he stayed, all day.  It was at the end of that night that I knew I would marry him.  I was at my absolute worse and there he sat not caring.

My Birthday 2006

So to make a long story longer, skip forward eleven days to January 13, my birthday.  On our way to Houston to celebrate, he tells me he's falling in love with me to which I responded, "I know."  Later that night I did tell him I loved him.  He asked me if there was anything else I knew and I said yes, but didn't feel like it was my place to say.  He explained that because of things from a past relationship he really felt like it was.  So hesitantly I said I was going to marry him, to which he replied, "I know." 

I look back now and see God's hand in it all, from our move to Nacogdoches, to Don hiring my mom, to our joining First Baptist Church, and even to the people I dated.  Truly all things do work for the good of those who love the Lord!

Below are just a few random pictures from over the past six years that Stephen and I have known each other.  We look like babies in some of them!

First Visit to Alabama to Meet the Family in February 2006

Short Side Story.  Stephen came to Alabama with me in April right before I left to go to Africa for the Summer of 2006.  The whole purpose of the trip was so that he could ask my dad if he could marry me.  Needless to say his first attempt at talking to my dad was interrupted by his largest catch to date, 9.1 lbs!  So I'm not sure what was more exciting:  his catch or my dad giving his blessing.  Stephen was a brave man to ask such a question in a small boat in the middle of a lake;)

Gulf Shores, Alabama Summer 2009

Winter 2006 at Stephen's Condo

June 2011

January 2010 Jonathan and Becca Canfield's Wedding

Charity Ball 2010

Matt and Hannah Wright's Wedding

New Years Eve 2010

Colt Ford 2012

Tacky Christmas Party 2010

Valentines Banquet 2011

Non Valentines Date 2006

Our First Christmas 2007

Days After Our First Date 2006

A Few Days Before Leaving for the Summer in Africa 2006

Letting Go

I know this is crazy, but for some reason I cannot seem to bring myself to throw away the beautiful bouquet my Lufkin friends had waiting for me in my house when I got home from my D&C.  It's almost been three weeks.  I would have been 13 1/2 weeks right now; will I ever stop counting before I get to 40? I told Stephen it's almost like I feel that if I throw them away then it's all completely done and over with.  I know that sounds crazy and I just need to put them in the trash, but for right now I think they will continue to live on the dresser in my laundry room.

National Infertility Awareness Week: Aprill 22-28

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I want to share a few things with you that Stephen and I have learned over the past two and  a half years.

First off it is estimated that between one in six to one in ten couples suffer from infertility.  That means the odds are you know someone who is currently or has in the past experienced infertility; however, because it is an extremely hard and often private matter you may never know.  A couple is usually considered infertile if pregnancy has not occurred after one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.

There are three ways that infertility can be resolved...

1. Eventually a couple will conceive...either naturally or with ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technologies).
2. Finding alternative ways of becoming a parent like adoption or foster care.
3. Choosing to become CAT (Complete As Two).

Often times people do not know what to say to someone who suffers from infertility.  Often well meaning comments sting deep, especially for those infertiles at the beginning of their journey.  For myself I have come to a place where I choose to hear what someone means to say and not what they actually say, but it has taken me a long time to get here.  I've compiled a short list of what not to say based off my own experiences and the many books I've read and conversations I've had with those in the same boat...

1.  When are you going to have children? 

• This Saturday Stephen and I will have been married for five years.  That means for half of our married life we have been TTC (Trying To Conceive).  While the above question seems to be an innocent one, and for most is, it can be very hurtful to someone suffering from infertility.  At the beginning of this journey I often lied and told people we didn't want kids yet or we had things we wanted to get done before we had kids.  The truth was, we are trying desperately to no avail.  It is an uncomfortable question and while I am now at a place of complete transparency with our struggle, it took me about two years to get to this point.  A good option when meeting a couple or person for the fist time is to say, "Tell me about yourself."  This way if they are married, have kids, or work outside of the home they will tell you and you will not offend with questions like are you married, do you have kids, what do you do for a living. 

2.  You can always adopt/I knew a couple who after years of trying adopted and then found out they
            were pregnant.

• First, adoption is not a quick fix to infertility and it is not for everyone.  While adoption does put a baby in the arms of an infertile couple, it is extremely expensive and there are still issues of loss associated with adoption.  While Stephen and I personally are not against adoption and were already open to the idea before when knew about our infertility, at this point I am not ready to give up the dream of physically carrying a baby. 
• Second,while everyone knows someone or knows of someone who has become pregnant naturally after adopting, it is actually a rare instance.  Different studies show that only 3%-10% of couples who adopt due to fertility issues will become pregnant on their own.  So while you might know someone this has happened to, the statistics are not in an infertile couples favor.

3.  You're still young.

• Yes, while 27 is relatively young it does not change my hearts to desire to be a mom.  If I was 20 and already suffering from infertility, the pain would still be the same.  Age is really irrelevant when it comes to the desire to be a parent and the inability to do so.

4.   I bet you're having fun trying!

• This is far from the truth. While sex is an awesome thing, when you have been TTC for an extended time period it becomes a chore and often a drain on your marriage relationship.  

5.   If you just stop trying and relax it will happen.

• For the majority of couples who do not conceive within the first year, there is a physical problem keeping them from doing so and no amount of stress relief, relaxing, or vacations will correct that problem.

6.  Is your husband shooting blanks?

• While you might be trying to make light of the situation, this can be one of the most insensitive and hurtful comments.  While a larger majority of those suffering from infertility are experiencing female factor infertility, those who are experience male factor or a combination of the two can be extremely hurt by this comment.  While it might seem like a funny joke at the time, it can be taken as an attack on our husband's manhood!  And trust me, my husband is a man's man!

7.   At least you have the freedom to do what you want, when you want.

• While I enjoy being able to sleepm in on Saturdays till noon and being able to go on vacations and have people over any night of the week, I would give almost anything to not be able to do these things because I had a child.  (Now please hear me, those of you with children who dream of those former days of freedom certainly have a right to do so.  Being a parent is hard and you need to be able to "complain" and express your frustrations, but your infertile friend is really not the best person to express these feeling to.) 

8.  You wouldn't want all this morning sickness anyway.

• From my recent personal experience of a month and a half of being sick as a dog, yes I would.  (This is not to minimize what you are going through and how awful it is, because believe me I do know and it is!)  I know this statement is trying to make us feel better, but please don't presume what I would and would not do for a child.  Truth is I have endured more doctors appointment's, uncomfortable conversations, injections, blood draws and procedures than I would have ever imagined possible, but right now they are all worth it.

9.   Maybe it's just not meant to be.

• You know, you are right, maybe God does not intend for us to have children; however, at this point in my life I am not ready to hear that and it is not a comforting statement.  To be quite blunt, you are NOT God and so you cannot speak for him. 

10.  When are you going to have more children?

• There is a thing called Secondary Infertility.  It is estimated that over 3 million Americans suffer from it.  Please do not assume a couple with just one child only wants one.  Your suggestions of how close one should have children together or questions of when another will be on its way can be extremely hurtful for those who long to have another child.    

And for those who have beaten infertility and had a baby....

11.   At least you have one child.

• The truth is if you were to ask newly weds how many children they would like to have later in life, the majority will answer with more than one.  It is rare for a couple to want an only child.  So yes, for those who have suffered through infertility and brought home a baby, the desire to have another child does not go away and it also does not make us selfish.  So please do not belittle our desire to have another.

These are just a few of the things we infertiles hear on a fairly regular basis and a glimpse at what we might be thinking on the inside. While I cannot speak for every infertile, I can speak from my experience and in generalities.  What I have written might not be true for everyone, but what I'd like for you to get out of it is a little understanding of how well meaning comments can come across as hurtful.  Please do not be offended by an infertiles response to these statements and know none of these statements are targeted at anyone in particular in my life!  They are just a combination of personal experience and from conversations with others exeperiencing infertility. 

Here are a few things you can do....

1. Ask us how you can pray for us.
2. Don't minimize our desire to be parents, rather affirm that desire and encourage us in our journey.
3. Let us change the subject when it's becoming too uncomfortable and not take offense to it.
4. Let us know you care.
5. Keep what we share with you between just us, unless we give permission for you to share with others.
6. Let us know you don't understand what we are going through.  Sometimes that's the most comforting thing!
7. Just listen.
8. Cry with us.

Again, I cannot speak for everyone, but I want you to be informed.  If you have not suffered from infertility there is no reason for you know know these things.  I was guilty of saying these things about infertiles before it became my journey.  One of the biggest things I've learned so far is truly you cannot judge someone till you've walked in their shoes.

Harvey: Am I a Dysfunctional Adult?

While the answer to the above question is probably a firm YES, I am okay with it.  Harvey has been with me for twenty-six years.  He was a present from my Uncle Bones on my first birthday.  Needless to say we've been through a lot together.

When I was younger I took Harvey everywhere and because I have a tactile issue (that still exists today) I would suck my thumb  and rub Harvey at the same time.  I remember vividly a couple of weeks before kindergarten started my mom took Harvey away for a week to make me stop sucking my thumb.  All it took was one day without him and I stopped, but she wanted to make sure it was for real.

I also remember the night I couldn't find Harvey.  This happened periodically and we quickly found him or he appeared the next day.  This time however was different.  I had been playing with him by the creek.  That night there was a HUGE rain and needless to say we came to the conclusion that Harvey was lost forever in the Great Flood.  My mom and sister quickly went to a local store in search of a replacement.  They found one, the exact rabbit, but deep inside I knew it wasn't Harvey.  Then one day about a year later the most amazing miracle happened (proof that God does care about the little things!) Mrs. Rene, our neighbor, comes walking up to the house crying and holding this thing her dog Bozo (man that brings back some memories) had drug up from the creek...it was HARVEY!!!!

Harvey has traveled all over the United States with me, to Tanzania and Kenya, and I hate to admit it, but he even went to Jamaica.  He has also accompanied me to my three surgeries.

The best thing about the Harvey issue is that I have a husband that doesn't make me feel like a dysfunctional adult.  When the nurse entered my room the day of my D&C to ask me questions I didn't realize she was the one who would be doing my IV.  Harvey was tucked away in my purse at the time.  After the trauma of getting the IV in (my needle phobia is another post for another day) and upon the nurses departure my sweet husband who has lovingly been stroking my hair and wiping my tears from my face gets Harvey out of my purse and helps me hide him under the covers.

So yes I am a twenty-seven-year-old who still needs her stuffed animal.  Other than that I think I'm a pretty well adjusted, functioning adult!

Undoing What's Been Done

When you buy a few maternity clothes online for next season because they are deeply discounted, and you sign up for the What to Expect daily emails, and Google starts to recognize you've been searching for baby cribs, baby bedding, strollers, and clothe diapering systems, it's hard to undo what's been done.

I get weekly emails from Old Navy Maternity, when I try to unsubscribe to the What to Expect the site it directs me to no longer exists, and how do you get Google to stop putting baby everything ads when you are searching the web.

This is where I am today.

Inappropriate Hugs, Candy, and Breakfast

It's the small things that often bring comfort, especially when they come from a teenager...

What would normally be viewed as an inappropriately long front hug with a tight squeeze and a, "we missed you Mrs. Wyatt and I'm sorry."

Sour Patch kids and sweet tarts wrapped in a bow.

Breakfast on my desk.

Your Hands

This song has been playing over and over in my head for the past several days.  I know it is only because of the love, prayers and support of all our family and friends that I can honestly pray these words.  My flesh doesn't understand why and wants to be mad at the world, but most of the time over the past several days I have had a peace that can only come from God above.  Last night as Stephen was holding me and I was trying to process he said, "It's gonna be okay."  And while I don't know what okay actually means I know he is right.  I don't know where we go from here.  I don't know how much longer this journey we thought was over is going to continue, and I don't know how it will end.  I do know it is going to be okay, somehow, some way.

Expanding Vocabulary

Stephen put it best last night when he said our vocabulary has now expanded.

Miscarriage: The spontaneous, premature expulsion of a nonviable embryo or fetus from the uterus. Also called spontaneous abortion.

The definition doesn't seem to do it justice, and until it happens to you they are just meaningless words on a page.  What I wish it said...

Miscarriage:   The premature death of a baby in the womb of it's mother who loved him/her deeply.

Two things I know to be true as of today...

• God is still God and He still sits on his thrown with loving arms.
• There was a baby, (s)he was real, (s)he was loved, his/her life served a purpose.

Thank you all for the kind texts and messages today.  They were greatly appreciated and you will never know how much comfort they brought us!

 "A person is a person, no matter how small."
                                                            Dr. Seuss

Mixed Emotions

Infertility is a strange beast that steals the simple joys of pregnancy from a couple.  It gives you this weird mix of emotions once you finally do get pregnant.  On the one hand you are overwhelmed, overjoyed, and even relieved when you see those two lines for the first time.  The treatments have worked and the endless doctors visits and blood draws and sonos and long drives to Shreveport will soon end.  Then you are scared and worried.  While most couples see those two lines and enter into a state of bliss, when I saw those two lines, after my initial sigh of relief and tears of happiness, I entered into a state of indifference.  My confirmation appointment in Shreveport was not what I had envisioned two years ago that my first doctors appointment as a pregnant woman would have been like.  All the nurses were excited and since we did two treatments in one round, they were "fighting" over who actually got me pregnant.  I began to feel bad because I wasn't excited like they were.  I was relieved to know that I was pregnant, meaning yes it was possible, but I also had a huge fear things would go wrong and so I let myself be indifferent to the pregnancy.

After confirmation that the baby had implanted in my uterus and the pregnancy was not ectopic, I felt a little relief, but then came the questioning, Why Me?  I know so many people who are struggling with infertility and have been much longer than Stephen and I.  While I am excited, I don't feel like I can fully indulge in that excitement because I know how badly those who are still in treatment of limbo want a child and how much it hurts to see others become pregnant.  This is why you won't be seeing belly pictures or sono pics on my facebook.  Other than my initial tag of my last post, if someone wants to know about my pregnancy they are going to have to seek out my blog.  I don't want to be that person who's pictures overwhelm the facebook news feed with pregnancy everything.  Please don't hear me say that you shouldn't do that if you are pregnant.  Please do.  You have every right.  It is the most exciting thing in your life at the moment!  But uunfortunately for me, because I have walked this road I know how hurtful it can be to those experiencing infertility.   It's weird with infertility, you are part of a closed community in which no one can understand how you feel except those going through it, but as soon as you beat the it you become and outsider again.  You don't move back into the land of fertiles because you now have an acute awareness of the pain infertiles are living with, but rather you are in a new group, the infertiles who now appear to be fertile. 

One of the biggest things I struggled with during this process is the idea that children are a blessing from the Lord.  So on the flip side of that coin I began to feel that the lack of children was a curse.  I know this is not true, but on my darkest days I often believed it.  So it makes me cringe just a little when people in response to hearing you are pregnant say, "What a blessing!"  Please don't get me wrong, it is a blessing; but I often wonder if society puts too much emphasis on this blessing and therefore ignoring all the other blessings we have as well.  I had to come to realize that just because I was not pregnant didn't mean that I was being curse and it also didn't mean I wasn't blessed.  God has blessed me with many things:  a wonderful husband, an amazing extended family, a job, health, a home, and much more!

I know this post is just a mix of rambling and not very well written.  I guess what I want people to understand most, is that Stephen and I are beyond excited that we are pregnant; however, our outward emotions might not be what you expect to see.  We are cautiously excited and also want to be respectful of those struggling with infertility who have not yet beaten it.  Most fertiles would be surprised to know how many are silently struggling with infertility.  This pregnancy is a blessing because God has answered our prayers, but even if he had not answered them, we are aware that we are still blessed beyond measure!  And at the end of the day the truth is that my identity is not found in being a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother; rather it is found in Christ and above all that is what's most important!