The Day I Knew You Existed

Below is a journal entry I wrote on a day that I experienced pure joy. Since then my world has been turned upside down....

"Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Precious child of mine,

Today is the day I found out you existed.  Dee from heartbeat called to confirm your dad and I had turned in our adoption profile to her. About three hours later she asked me to come over to speak with her. She handed me a paper with your birth parents names and a phone number. They had chosen us out of all the profiles. They wanted to speak with us before meeting in person. I had a hard time getting ahold of your dad. He was out trapping at the lake. Ironically enough it was his love of hunting that drew your birth dad to our profile. I finally got ahold of him and told him the news. There was a couple who wanted to speak with us. They were having a girl and due next Monday.  It was you!  We met with Dee around 4:30, to discuss how the process works and headed to Dr. Vineyard's office to call on the speaker phone. Your birth mom and birth dad love you so much. They know they cannot provide for you the life you deserve and have chosen us to be your mom and dad. We are shocked, ecstatic and nervous. We have only known of your existence for 12 hours and we love you already.  Soon I will be able to post this and share our news with the world.

Lillian Piliana Wyatt, today is the day you have been made known to us, but you have been known by the Creator since the beginning of time. He knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of your days. You are not only loved by your birth parents and us, most importantly you are loved by your Savior!  I pray you will feel His love all the days of your life.

Hopefully waiting,
Momma"

...Things went great with our meeting with the birthparents. They wanted me there in the delivery room, they were easy to talk with and seemed extremely confident in their decision. DV examined birthmom and I heard my babies heartbeat. I saw her body formed in another woman's womb. Her spine, head and arms moving about. We had an appointment the next day with the lawyer at 1:00. Birthparents at 10:00. They did not show but called. They had car trouble but rescheduled for 3:30. Shortly after our meeting was over at 2:00 the lawyer called to say they showed up but did not sign the papers. We finally got a hold of them Friday night. They explained they are not changing their minds, nothing has changed. They just need to show our profile to birthmom's mom and aunt and uncle who are questioning the legitimacy of Heartbeat and us. Stephen called Sunday night to remind them to get the bloodwork done Monday so it will be ready for Wenesdays appointment and to set up a meeting time. Then he called again Monday morning around 11:00.  When we still had not heard anything after lunch I left them a message about one this afternoon asking them to please call us back.  My heart cannot take this and that it's okay if they have changed their minds but to  please call us and tell us either way.  It is 6:00 pm right now. I don't anticipate they will call. I feel like I have miscarried all over again. 

I was okay with 2014, not being the year. I had even started to become okay with the thought of us never being parents and then this happens, put of nowhere. A wound has been reopened and for what. God, what is the purpose?!  Do you hate us?  What have we done?  We serve you and want others to know your unconditional love. Right now you seem so far away. 

Meeting Me Where I Am

As I am fixing my hair and putting on makeup in the bathroom yesterday...

Lillian (5yo):  Aunta I know the baby in your tummy died. It's really sad. 

Me:  Yes. It did and it is really sad. 

Followed by a lot of questions:  Did you see it?  How big was it?  What happened to it? And then...

Lillian:  Do you want another one?

Me:  Yes but I don't think there will ever be one in my tummy again. 

Lillian:  It would be nice if you got one for your birthday. 

The conversation made me feel happy, sad, want to cry and loved all at the same time.  She remembers our baby and feels free to talk about it because she is so young and isn't scared to mention it. 

Shrimp á la Grecque

So in an attempt to eat at home more, I planned all my meals for a week and a half and bought all the groceries at once. I have four new receipts on the menu for this week. Saturday night's Pimento Cheese Stuffed Chicken was a bust:(  Too much citrus flavor I am told (thank your Clint and JoDee for being my guinea pigs).   So tonight on the menu a low calorie shrimp dish under 300 calories if served without the rice.

Ingredients:
2 Tbls olive oil
1 Tbls minced garlic
2 cups canned tomatoes, drained
2 Tbls finely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 tsp dried marjoram, crushed
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
2 Tbls red pepper
1 1/2 lb large raw shrimp peeled
3 oz feta cheese, cut into 1/2" cubes
Rice

Preparation:
1.  Start rice.
2.  Hear oil in large skillet on medium.
3. Add garlic and reduce heat to medium-low.  Cook until garlic colors, stirring frequently.
4.  Add tomato, 1 Tbls parsley, marjoram, salt, pepper and red pepper.  Cook over medium-high heat       
     until sauce thickens. 
5.  Add shrimp; cook until pink.
6. Add feta stirring gently.
7. Serve hot over rice

Makes for a super tasty meal!

2014 Isn't Gonna Be the Year

For the past four NYE's it's been the same emotional roller coaster.  I always had hope and truly believed 20... was gonna be the year.  I would either be pregnant and about to pop this time next year or have a new born.  Not this year.  This year I know 2014, isn't gonna be the year, and that's okay.

Dawn is here and the morning is coming.  While there isn't joy yet, there is acceptance.  I accept my life is much different than what we dreamed it would be four years ago.  I accept there is nothing we can do about it; We gave it our best 'old college try" possible.

What 2014, is gonna be is the year I start living again.  I have one year left in my twenties and I am gonna live it up!  Not quite sure how an "old woman" does that but I am setting out to try.  

It doesn't mean I am happy this is where God has brought us, but it does mean I've accepted it.  Maybe in a few more months the happy will arrive; until then I will live in acceptance.