Perfection

I'm just gonna leave this here for your visual enjoyment. 

I want to remember it all!

I want to remember it all and I'm worried I won't!  Lillian called Paxton "pancake," at least that's how it sounded when she said it.  Now she says it almost perfectly and I don't know when that happened.  She says, "get in here" when I go to get her out of the crib, and sometimes I do!  She giggles all the time, hides herself behind her hands and says "more" to being tickled over and over. When Paxton cries she runs to him and says, "Don't cry baby. It's okay."  

I want to remember it all; well all of this, not all of the terrible twos part😜

Two months

There. Is. No. Time. To. Post. Having two under two is hard at this exact moment as far as doing anything but being available to them 24/7. But I LOVE it!  So here is my quick post...

Paxton is...amazing, handsome, perfect, exhausting, wonderful, smiling, dimples, vaccinated, loved...

Lillian is... Adjust(ing)ed, hilarious, sings, signs, prays, hugs tight, giggles, helps, loves...

Stephen is... Hard working, redefining sexy, strong support, wonderful, loving...

I am... Exhausted, grateful, pinching myself, happy, stressed, smiling...

We are... A Forever Family 

Two months

There. Is. No. Time. To. Post. Having two under two is hard at this exact moment as far as doing anything but being available to them 24/7. But I LOVE it!  So here is my quick post...

Paxton is...amazing, handsome, perfect, exhausting, wonderful, smiling, dimples, vaccinated, loved...

Lillian is... Adjust(ing)ed, hilarious, sings, signs, prays, hugs tight, giggles, helps, loves...

Stephen is... Hard working, redefining sexy, strong support, wonderful, loving...

I am... Exhausted, grateful, pinching myself, happy, stressed, smiling...

We are... A Forever Family 

One Month

Paxton is one month old; can you believe it?!  He weighs 7lb 11oz and has a beautiful smile with perfect dimples. His big sister loves to come over and give him kisses and he seems to put up with her when she's a little too rough. We are sleep deprived as of late, but totally in love. Our family is complete!

When Camo Met Diamonds and Added a Pearl and Crossbow

Early August

I have pretty much given up on finding an adoption agency that is a good fit for our families needs. So we are just praying in faith God will drop another baby in our lap just the way he did for Lillian. 

Mid August

I got an email from Charlotte who runs Adopt Texas in response to an inquiry I sent weeks ago. They are currently looking for more adoptive families. I got the paperwork, filled it all out but, Stephen and I just felt like we were quite ready and wouldn't be for another year. I let Charlotte know, but she said to turn in the preliminary paperwork now so we wouldn't have to start over in a year. Then the next day we found out through our friend who does the home studies there is a family and we fit the profile of what they are looking for in an adoptive family and they fit what we were looking for in a birth family.  So the long and short three week journey began...

August 29, 2015

We found out today you exist. We don't know if you are even ours. But we are hopeful and excited.  Whoevers you are, you are wanted and you are loved!

August 30, 2015

Sweet baby Paxton, I feel it deep in my bones as I hold your sister Lillian, you are ours.  My days with her as a one and only are numbered but for good reason!  I have spent the last two days filling out mountains of paperwork and gathering an excessive amount of documents all to get us ready to be viewed by your birthmom.  I know she has to pick us, but I truly believe we were meant for you and for her.  She will see our profile September 10th and I pray we will know you are ours that day or the next.  I cannot imagine what she is going through right now, but little man she loves you and wants you to have a life filled with love and specifically for you to know the love of Christ!

September 4, 2015

We have been praying for you daily baby boy. Lillian likes to say "Amen" all day long and wants me to stop and pray with her. So every time she does we pray for you and your birthmom. We are at Pine Cove for the Labor Day weekend retreat and I can't help but keep thinking next year I will have a one year old. Others can't physically see it because my belly is not swell and about to burst, but we are about to be second time parents and be welcoming you into our world!

September 11, 2015

Your birthmom received profiles to look at today. So while we have known of your existence for two weeks, now she knows of ours. Baby boy we are praying she chooses us. We want you and while I feel you are ours, God may have a different plan. Whatever that plan, it is perfect for you, and what is best for you is of most importance. Selfishly we are praying we are what is best. 
 

September 14, 2015

Paxton Michael Wyatt, that is your whole name!  We received word asking if we were chosen to be your parents, would we use the middle name Michael, chosen by your birthmom. It is your birthfather's middle name. Of course we would love to honor both your birthmom and birthfather by giving you this name. I had been praying specifically about your name and how to incorporate the name your birthmom had picked out. What an absolutely beautiful name and oh how I love that it is connected to your biological roots. Your birthfather will be viewing our profile in the next day or so with the other profiles your birthmom has narrowed down. We are anxious to hear the words, "You are chosen."  

September 16, 2015

I prayed today would be the day we heard something, even if it was no. By the time I left to go to Chior I figured God had other plans and continued patience was part of that plan. Then it happened, I saw Charlotte the social worker's number and shot up out of my seat in the middle of rehearsal. I went into the sanctuary and heard a little more about your birthfather's background along with your birthmother's. Charlotte explained of the two families the birthfather was looking at, he wanted us to know their histories and how we felt about them. Simply put, God's Grace is enough and what matters most is your birth parents have given their hearts to Christ.  His blood covers ALL: yours, mine and theirs. Charlotte then called your birthfather back to let him know how we felt and I returned to Chior. Then the call we had been waiting for, only but a few short minutes later, they want us to be your parents!!!  Paxton we have prayed for you, for your birth parents and we are humbled and honored we are going to have the privilege to be your mom and dad. 

September 17, 2015

Charlotte called today to let us know she hasn't heard from your birthmom and cannot get ahold of your birthdad. She felt like we needed to know this was not normal as they have all been communicating daily for the past four months. We know God has a plan and we pray we are it, but we have to be willing to put our own desires to the side for what is best for you. We don't know if they are changing their minds or if they just need some time now that they have made a final decision. Regardless we love you!

September 18, 2015

Charlotte called this morning around 11:00. You are here!  You are early, due Oct 7th, but you are healthy: 6lb 13oz and 19.4" long. Your birth parents have not changed their minds!  Praise God, we have a son. Now we are waiting to see if and when we can go to the hospital.

September 19, 2015

Paxton we aren't going to be able to see you until they discharge you from the hospital on Monday. This mommas arms are aching to have you in them, but we are trusting God is using those around you to love on you as you wait for us. I am painting your room and getting last minute things together like the crib and car seat. Oh I want you in my arms now, but if God has taught me anything through the past five years, it is patience and his love and mercy never fails!

September 21, 2015

It's Gotcha Day!  Lillian somewhat understands she is going to be a big sister this evening, and she seems excited   I am about to jump out of my skin.  Here is the last photo we took as a family of three before leaving to get you. 

Don't fear, that is excitement you see on her face😜.....Okay, maybe fear a little because this isn't excitement you see on her face right here, yikes!

We got to the hospital around 3 and sat yards away from you in the waiting room, though not knowing which room you were in, until Charlotte arrived at 5. We signed paperwork and did some more waiting and then finally the hospital social worker came and took us back to your room. Of course there was more waiting because we didn't have your bracelet number so there we stood, outside your door, peeking in looking at you, our son, and then finally, we were allowed in and you were handed to me. 

I already loved you before I saw or held you, and my heart grew ten fold in this moment. Our family is complete. We have so many hopes and dreams for you but what we want you to know most: it is the ultimate hope and dream of not only us, but your birth parents as well, that you will come to know Christ as your Savior at a young age. That you will follow and Serve Him all the days of your life!  Welcome to the world precious one. You are love!

Giza

I've been asking Stephen for a cat from the moment we got married. Eight and a half years later, Lillian made it happen.

His name is Giza which means Darkness in Swahili. He's been very shy but came out of his shell yesterday. I am so excited. 

In other news, my nose has been itching like crazy. I'm choosing to believe it is a coincidence. 

#StandForLife

It's been almost six years since Stephen and I started trying to conceive. I feel the timer is still running because I don't know  we will ever truly stop. 

When someone asks me how many children I have I say one, because I don't want to be that "weird" person who counts her lost pregnancy in her tally. I am wrong for this and giving into societies pressures when I don't stand up for my first child. 

The moment I saw the two lines on the test, the joy I felt, the love in my heart was no different than the joy and love felt the moment we saw Lillian on the ultrasound screen in her birth mother's womb and then again the joy and love we felt the moment she was physically handed to us. 

It's not only the joy and love but the pain and anguish in losing them both that was the same. I'll never forget the moment Dr. Vineyard stopped talking while looking at the ultrasound screen and the moment sitting in iHop, after a day of waiting for a follow up meeting with the birth parents that it became apparent the meeting would not come; Lillian was gone. 

So I trust, when I stand before my Savior and bow to worship Him, seeing my first child in His arms, the overwhelming astonishment, gratitude and wonderment will too be the same as the day Lillian came back to life for us and we learned she was coming home to our forever family. 

My Children

One grew under my heart; one grew in it. 

One waits in heaven having never reached birth, loved just as much as the one who walks Earth. 

Here Again

Stephen and I love Lillian so much and continue to live in amazement everyday with her. Right after she came home to us I cannot tell you how liberating it was to have my prayers answered and to truly for the first time in four years and four months have no clue what cycle day I was on and not only that, to not care!  

But now it has somewhat changed. I feel guilty for it. I feel guilty for even wanting another child. Lillian is our answered prayer and she is enough and will be enough but the longing for her to have a sibling is still there, for us to have another child to call our own. I am again aware of my cycle day and the fact that I am not ovulating. Truthfully Lillian is so amazing that if we were a normal couple and could conceive we probably would have started trying for another when she was six months old.  

This time it is different. The pain is more of a dull pain and the desire isn't all consuming but it is there. So please would you pray for us?  Pray God would either do a miracle and open my womb OR another miracle and bring us another baby through adoption. I've seen and experienced first hand what God can do and how he can answer prayers in big ways, so I'm stepping out in faith and praying big that God will drop another baby in our lap. However that might happen and whatever that might look like, all glory and praise is and will be to Him, even if he says no. 

T minus Two Days

Two days.  Two days left to snuggle my baby.  Why did I sign up for this?  How did I do this last year?  The three letter answer, GOD.  So Heavenly Father, step in now because this momma's heart is breaking and it's only two days away.

She's Too Cute!

Baby Bumps

My reaction to baby bumps these days is usually pretty no eventful. I don't run from them or despise them. But lately I have been feeling sad just wondering what I would look like with one. What would it feel like?  Would I just be fat all over?  

How grateful I am that I don't run from them anymore!

Full Circle at Dr. Vineyard's Office

I had an appointment at Dr. Vineyard's today for a sinus infection.  I took Lillian with me and we sat in room 5 and waited.  It was nap time and she was having fun not sleeping.  After I got my diagnosis confirmed, and was waiting for my scripts, I sang to her and she finally drifted to sleep.  

All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks and the tears began to flow as I saw Lillian's life come full circle right before my eyes.  It was in this very chair, roughly a year and five months ago, I sat and saw my precious baby for the first time: her beautiful head formed in her birthmom's womb, her arms and legs moving about.  Man, how much transpired from that moment of first seeing her on the ultrasound, until the moment I held her for the first time, to this moment holding her in the very room where it all began.  

Even if it had not turned out the way it did.  God is Good.  God is Faithful.  And His Creations are Beautiful!

Beauty in the Every Day

Lillian is just shy of 15 months and I could just pinch myself she is so awesome.  I find myself on a daily basis just stepping back and seeing the awesomeness that she is and thinking, "Is this really my life?  How did we get here?  Where did she come from?"  The answers are yes, one day at a time, and God.

She is truly joy in the flesh.  Don't get me wrong she has her moments and right now "me" is her favorite word (said in a whining tone and used more like mine and give me) but for most of the minutes of the day she is a joyful, happy little girl!  She does something new every day from twirling, to dancing with happy feet, saying new words (she is a talker!) and singing.  She's been able to sing EIEIO for a while, but just a day ago I caught her singing in perfect pitch and almost perfect timing the word back in Bring Back My Bonnie To Me.  It.  Melted.  My.  Heart.

She gets so excited when her daddy comes home and I can't tell you how blessed I am to watch my husband flourish in his role as parent to a little girl.  His love for his girls is evident daily and he is so tender to us both. He helps me to flourish as a momma and is your stereotypical pushover with his baby girl.

I know these days are going to pass quickly, just as the past year did.  God help me to see the beauty in the every day.  Help me to not continually look to the next milestone but enjoy the now.  For I know one day it won't be so rosy and the bumps and trials will come.  You will be faithful as ever, but for now I am praising you for this moment, this stage, this grace.

Happy Resurrection Day!

The dress wasn't exactly what I wanted her to wear and for the first time in 30 years I didn't get a new dress for myself, but none of that matters. She looked beautiful in her cousin Chloe's dress made by their Gamma and I got to wear the dress I wore for her adoption. I praise God  for the fact that I can even say I have a dress worn at the adoption of a child, MY child.  

What matters most today is Christ's Resurrection, not our clothes or the items places in a basket or the eggs hunted. 

In the past 13 months, Lillian has given us a tangible glimpse into what it means to be adopted by Christ. She is not my flesh and blood, but she is MINE!  I would move heaven and earth for her if I could. I would sacrifice my life for hers. The love I have for her is indescribable and yet it pales in comparison to the love the Father has for us. I am grateful to have this "special" first hand prospective.  And truly it is because He Lives that I can face tomorrow!

"God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Christ Jesus. This is what he wanted to do and it gave him great pleasure."                 

 Ephesians 1:5 (NLT)

She Is Just Enough!

She Is Just Enough!

Fatherhood Looks Good on Him

He waited a long time to be called daddy. Oh how good fatherhood looks on him!