So THIS is the Real Problem?

So we knew we needed to stop the other forms of BC when we started trying to conceive, but who knew Stephen needed to stop wearing his crocs with socks!  Problem solved?    ;)

Interpretive Dancing

Stephen Wyatt has been know on occasion to be moved by the spirit and do a little "interpretive dancing."  He says its his gift to humanity and its to help people better themselves.  (That's pretty much a direct quote!)  Seeing as how my husband will only slow dance with me, a girl has to take what she can get.  This special dancing often comes late at night about two or three times a year.  Two nights ago I was graced by a new "routine" that had an actual full out leap.  These dances usually last about three seconds, but this one the other night, oh it was extra special because just when I thought the dance was over he came back with more!

It's these types of moments that truly capture the heart of my husband.  Always willing to laugh at himself to see you smile.  It's one of the qualities I love best about him.  Laughter is good for the bones and man did my bones get a workout last night!

Thank you babe for being you!

Crying with Someone

I could try and eloquently write this post, but I just don't feel like it.  So here it is in its rawest form.

Have you ever cried WITH another person.  I can honestly say that until last night I don't think I have.  The moment I read the post of a special friend from my past, it was like a wound was opened and the tears began to come.  I knew in that moment that "secret pain" that you can't explain and that no one can understand unless they have been there too.  It was like the wound that has been healing in me these past four months was ripped open, but the pain I was experiencing was not for me, but rather for her.  I can't explain it.  Luckily I also cannot explain the peace among chaos that Christ can bring.

A Box of Letters to My Husband

I have a box that contains 30+ letters I started writing to my husband the summer before my freshman year in high school.  It not only contains these letters but other mementos that are special to me.  When we miscarried in April I wanted to put all the cards of encouragement I received in the box along with my sono pictures, but I couldn't find it!  I pretty much had a heart attack, but I knew I had packed it when we moved and eventually I would find it and that's just what happened tonight.  So I thought I'd let you in on a small part of Stephen and my's story:)

"6-22-01

Sweetheart,

I've waited all my life for this day!  The day that I became yours.  The thing I love most about our relationship is our number one love, the common bond we share, God.  I love that it is through your love for God that we have come to love each other.  You are better than anyone I could have ever dreamed up or wanted.  I want you to know that I have been praying for you ever since I was a little girl.  The man of my dreams, that is what you are.  When you walk into the room you make my heart pound and the room seems to spin.  You make me the happiest woman alive and I can't wait to start our lives, the rest of our lives.  It seems like an eternity, but yet it is only a short while.  I pray that as our relationship grows we will grow in our personal relationships with God.  I pray that we will seek out God's will in our marriage and that he will bless us.  I pray that we will live to see our 50th wedding anniversary and that our children and grand children will be blessed.  As a young girl I've searched for a definition of love.  In the secular world today love can be a twisted and over used word, but in God's word, he gives us a clear definition of what love is.
     'Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not  
      self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Loves does not delight in evil but
      rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
This definition fits our love for each other so well.  Thank you for making my dreams come true and for
      being the second love of my life and sharing my first love, God.'

Your Wife,
Anna"

Man I love this letter and love that it rings true even to this day eleven years later.  Then fast forward four years  in the midst of what I thought was one of the most difficult times in my life and see what I wrote.

"November 7, 2005

Sweetheart,

Wow again it's been over a year since I've written last.  So much has happened over the past year and especially the past six months.  So I thought I knew who you were, but God knew otherwise....I just can't wait to see how amazing you are!  WOW we are getting married tomorrow and as I am writting this I have no clue who you are.  But I do know you're amazing, amazing, amazing!  Why you've chosen me I have no clue, but thank you.  I want you to know I can't wait to do your laundry, cook your food, clean your house, and have your children!  I want to serve you as a wife is supposed to and I know that in return you are going to love me just as Christ loved the church, and I thank you for that!  So know that even though I haven't written as often as I did in the beginning, I do think of you often, probably more than I should.  I love you.

Love,
Anna"

It's amazing how God works and the things he uses to prepare us for that perfect person.  Little did I know that only a few weeks later some guy named Stephen Wyatt would add me as a friend on FaceBook.

"January 18, 2006

Stephen Wyatt,

Your name is Stephen Wyatt and I am marrying you tomorrow.  Wow to think back in November when I wrote you the last letter I hadn't even met you and here it is two months later and I know you are going to be my husband.  Babe I love you with all my heart and we've only been dating for 17 days.  I'm excited to see how much more our love will grow over the years.  I want you to know I will always love you.  Babe, tonight you said something that is so true.  You said "God knows the desire of our hearts and you know that's right" and you were the desire of my heart and he gave me to you.  Oh my gosh... you have a name and a face.  I know who you are.  I've waited my whole life to know you and now I do.  Alright I'll stop rambling but I'll leave you with this...tomorrow I hope to make you the happiest man alive that is humanly possible and know that you will do the same for me.

Love Your Wife,
Anna"

I love that I have written documentation with dates where I can look back and see God's faithfulness!  I'll leave you with one more thing.  The card Stephen gave me for my 21st birthday, 13 days after our first date...

The front read, "There is more to your life than you ever thought.  There is more to your story than what you have read." (Max Lucado)

The inside read, "Through the Lord, may this coming year be even more than you ever dreamed it could be!  Happy Birthday!  "...'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" I Corinthians 2:9

And Stephen wrote, "Anna, I laboard and lamented over what I could put down on this wide open space, but when it comes down to it, I could not think of anything to say that the card had not already.  There are many things that I do not undertand, and many more things that I do not know.  A few things that I do know are quite simple.  One thing is there is you and there is me, together.  No mirrors or smoke, just the two of us, and that makes me very happy.  I could try and promise the world, some of what it has to offer and not deliver, but then how would I be any different than any other guy.  Instead, I offer what is written on the faces of this card, and I hope to show you more than you could ever have dreamed of.  Happy 21st Birthday. Stephen"

This past week I was talking with some people about how fast everything moved with Stephen and me.  I think this card sums up my 21st year of life and also give a glimpse into how I just knew 13 days after our first date that we were going to get married!

Pride

Have you ever experienced those moments in which God sends someone or something just when you need it most and sometimes despite your not wanting it?  Tuesday this happened to me.  After we performed the Christmas Program in Indiana we stayed to "listen" to another group who in actuality lead us in worship.  At the end the leader asked those who needed prayer to stand up so others could come around them and lift them up to the Lord.  In my moment of pride I did not stand.  In a room where I knew everyone present was a Christian and would not judge I still did not stand and let my pride get in my way.   BUT God saw me and Stacia Prince listened to His voice.  She leaned over and said she knew I was not standing but that she wanted to pray for my anyway.  I cannot begin to put into words how God used her Tuesday night and so I simply say thank you, thank you that while I let pride get in my why you did not and were sensitive to the Lords nudge.

When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden

I picked up this book back in November at a Women's Conference at DTS.  At the time Stephen and I had just hit our two year mark of TTC (trying to conceive) and were waiting for our first appointment with the specialist in Shreveport.  I had already read two other amazing book on infertility (Hannah's Hope and The Infertility Companion) but this was the first one I had seen that focused on the couple rather than the woman or just being medical facts.  What I love about the book is that it is co-authored by a woman who has experienced all the ups and downs of infertility and a medical doctor who specialized in fertility and yet has a seminary degree.  Their bios from the back of the book read as follows...
   
Sandra Glahn, ThM, serves on the faculty at Dallas Seminary, where she edits the award winning magazine Kindred Spirit.  A PhD candidate at the University of Texas at Dallas, she is the author of the Coffee Cup Bible Studies series and coauthor of seven books about marriage and reproductive issues, including Sexual Intamacy in Marriage.

William Cutrer, MD, is a licensed obstetrician/gynecologist who specialized in the treatment of infertility for more than fifteen years.  He also holds a graduate degree form Dallas Theological Seminary, is an ordained minister, and serves as the Gheens Professor of Christian Ministry at Southern Baptist Seminary.  Dr. Cutrer has authored or coauthored nine books inlucing, The Church Leader's Handbook.

The book hits several topics from how men and women grieve differently, how to strengthen your marriage during infertility, how to deal with inappropriate comments from outsiders, the "why me" question, dealing with pregnancy loss, and even a close look at the major moral issues facing those who want to pursue treatment.  

I started reading the book back in November and got 3/4 of the way finished.  I stopped reading with only three chapters left:  When the Cradle is Empty:  Pregnancy Loss, For those who Parent :Exclusion or Empathy, and When Resolution Doesn't Mean Conception.  At the time I didn't feel the urgency to finish the book and really didn't see how it applied to me at that point.  And I was right that it did not apply to me at the time, but I knew those last chapters were still there ready to be read and I had been putting it off, until this weekend.  As I packed my bag for my choir trip to Indiana I saw the book sitting there asking to be finished.  So I picked it up and put it in my purse.  After finishing the last chapters I went back and looked at everything I had underlined.  It's amazing how I can just read one sentence and remember almost exactly why I underlined it.  So here are a few things I found myself rereading and how I feel about them...

• Men's reactions to infertility are delayed by about three years from their wives reactions.

• I found this statement more interesting when I read it earlier this week than when I read it last November seeing as how we are coming up on our three year mark. 

• The Man's loss with infertility is the loss of a secondary role since his primary role is provider.  

• In contrast, the loss I feel is primary.  I have always longed to be a stay at home mom and have several children.  As a wife I have seen this role as my primary role. 

•  I can think constantly about infertility while still going about my daily routine.  Everything I do is filtered through that lens.
• I wish it wasn't that way, but infertility is now my identity.  Just like if I was a mother my identity would be mom and everything I would do would be filtered through that lens.   

• There is a 41% increase in conflict between spouses and a decline in marital satisfaction when diagnosed with infertility.  
• I am thankful to God every day that this statistic does not apply to Stephen and I, but it is a real possibility so I ask for your prayers that we do not experience this part of the struggle.

• On a positive note, most couples who survive the infertility crisis find their marriages MORE satisfying.
• I feel like we are in this boat already and this has not only brought us closer to God but also closer to one another.

•  Genesis 2:24 talks about leaving and cleaving and becoming one flesh.
• It is so comforting to know that Stephen did not marry me to have children with me, he married me because he loved me and I because I loved him.  Yes while we want children they are not the primary reason we got married and in that I find comfort!

• Even though our infertility diagnosis centers around me it is still "our" problem.
• I am so grateful that through this all Stephen has shared the burden and never left me feeling like I was alone or at fault.

• You must separate lovemaking from babymaking.
• This is probably TMI, but I have a hard time with this one.  Like I've written before in the "What Not to Say" post, the "at least you're having fun trying" statement is often far from the truth.  Treatments can be exhausting and at times it feels like there is a third party in your bed, the doctor.  I try and make a conscious effort to separate these two things but it's really hard to do.  This is probably one of the places I struggle the most.

• How do you strengthen your relationship during inferitlity, start by remembering who is most important.
• God and then Stephen!  So focusing on these two can help keep things in perspective.  I've said it often that Stephen is enough.  It doesn't mean I don't deeply and I mean deeply desire to have a baby, but if God chooses otherwise (but I pray he doesn't) he has given me an amazing man to spend the rest of my life with and for that I am eternally grateful!

• You must be careful to not enter the "suffering Olympics."
• This is with Stephen and with others.  All pain is real and legitimate when it is experienced and I must make sure not to minimize others pain because I don't see it as being as big or important as my own.

• "If you take a break from one cycle, you will lose the only chance you will ever have to conceive."
• This is a lie I know Satan has used on me a time or two and in some ways it's the way I feel about this six month wait we are currently in.  But at the end of the day I know that God already knows how this plays out and breaks can and are good not only for my body, but also for Stephen and my's relationship.

• The desire to adopt does not always happen at the same time for husband and wife.
• We won't necessarily come to this desire at the same time and that is okay.  We just have to be patient with one another and honest with how we feel.

• "If a couple goes through the whole process holding their marriage together and emerging stronger, they may not achieve pregnancy, but in life they are a great success story."
• This statement brings me so much comfort.  Regardless, Stephen and I will have a success story!

• "Did you know one study indicates that fertility patients are second only to cancer patients in what they are willing to endure for a cure."
• If you know me and how I feel about needles then you begin by a fraction to understand this statement (however please DO NOT think I am comparing myself to a cancer patient, only that I see how this statement can play out in terms of lengths of time and amounts of money many fertility patients are willing to spend.)

• The more optimistic an infertility patient is at the beginning of a cycle, the harder they crash at the end.
• This resonates so much with me and unfortunately this is what robs the joy from any good news that I get.  I try to be indifferent when going through treatment and expect that it won't work.  When I get my hopes up I endure a much hard sucker punch when it doesn't take. 

• God is big enough to handle my anger and disappointment towards him.  
• I can be mad at God because he's a big boy.  And sometimes I just have to let it out.  At the end of the day I know he loves me and I know his truths, but it's okay to have moments of frustration and brutal honesty with my Savior.

• "People frequently ask how far along you were assuming the further you were the more difficult the loss."
• This is one of the things that I have a hard time with because even if I had miscarried at six weeks my pain would still have been real and the same.  Loss is loss no matter how you cut it and my baby was a human being who was loved and wanted more than anything in this world.

These were just a few things I had underlined and highlighted in the book.  It helps me to read and see that my feelings are not crazy and others experience them too.  My prayer is that Stephen and I come out of this stronger and with a deeper relationship with one another and with God.