My First Group of Small Group Kids

So my first group of small group kids graduated this weekend.  Stephen and I moved to Lufkin in the Summer of 2007, and that fall we began hosting seventh and eight grade small groups at our house.  It started out just being girls, but due to unforeseen circumstances we took in the boys too.  God has used this group to bless both of us through out the last five years.  I have seen them all grow both physically and spiritually over the past several years and it has been so much fun! 

Here are a few things I've learned....

Kyle Reed only drinks water and purple kool aide.

Ryan Castro is under the impression he is a Mexican.

Ruth Watkins has the last say if ever there is a doubt to the legitimacy of a word.

Phoebe Roberts just might be a Cullen, I mean have you seen her house in the woods?

Lizzie Wallace is quite possibly the whitest thug I know.

Loren Huffstetler has the best hair ever!
Rebecca Sanders has some mad dancing skills.
Hannah Ashby, I'm pretty sure is a closet runway model.

I've known each of you at different levels at different times.  Some more when you were younger and some more know that you are older.  I want each of you to know I love you and I am so proud of the young men and women you've become.  My door is ALWAYS open to you even all the way over here in Nacogdoches:)

Hudson Girls, I forgot my camera at your graduation:(  I promise I was there and love you just as much!

Last Day of School

I have to say that on the last day of school last year I was leaping for joy thinking I would not be returning to the halls of LHS anytime soon.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVED working at LHS and I do believe the Social Studies department is the best kept secret of LISD (...guess I just let the cat out of the bag ;); however, I was ready for a break.  Little did I know God would bring me right back to those halls and use two classes of Junior American History Dual Credit kids to bless my life.  I cannot begin to describe how much they have loved on me these past five months.  I even got a couple of gifts and notes on the last two days.  I'm going to miss seeing them and will most assuredly think of them often next year as they are enjoying their SENIOR year!  If any of you guys happen to read this, please know I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend with you!

It's Almost Summer!

Summer is almost here, just one more week!  I've really enjoyed getting to know my students this semester. It's crazy to think that this time last year I could not WAIT for school to be out because I knew that my teaching career was on hold for the next several years.  I didn't really know what exactly I was going to do, but trusted God would help it to all work out.  I needed the time to do fertility treatments and it would have been impossible to do that and be able to give my students 100% or really even 75% of my best, so resignation was the best option for both them and me.  But here I sit with two awesome classes or kids who God has used to minister to me for the past five months.  After spending most of the fall subbing just a few days a week between trips for treatment and such, the opportunity to teach part time was presented in January.  While it was every day, because of the hours it still made it possible for me to continue to travel to Shreveport and make my appointments without interfering with much class time.  I did have to miss a few days here an there and when the kids asked where I was, I was open with them about our fertility treatments.  They are the ones who saw me every day and watched me go from that cute dressed new teacher to barely making it to class on time, dirty hair in a ponytail, puking my brains out teacher.  They KNEW before most because they could see it and tell.  My department head went ahead and told them all what had happened when I miscarried and had to miss class for several days.  I cannot begin to explain how mature and sensitive these kids have been to me.  God truly has used them to love on me in some of my most joyous and devastating months of my life.

So my plan for the summer...I started working at Kennedy's again at the beginning of May.  It's my home away from home and with the exception of 2011, I have worked for them in some form or fashion every year since 2006.  So this summer I will be working two days a week on Tuesdays and Fridays and a couple of Saturdays each month.  It's the best of both worlds...I basically have the entire summer off, but will still have a job.  Now mind you that usually a job means you are making money, but as Stephen likes to point out he basically pays for me to work at Kennedy's.  That's how he sees it, I see it as breaking even because lets be honest, I would still be buying all those gifts and jewelry whether or not I was working there ;)  And I get to hang out with some pretty amazing people!

So along with working two-three days a week, JoDee and I are planning to continue training for a mini triathlon and trying to convince Callie she can do the swimming and do it with us too!  We've got the running down and started swimming about three weeks ago.  It's been so fun to get back into the pool.  I swam on swim team when I was little, but hadn't been in the water like that since.  I've found my groove and I actually look forward to our swim workouts.  Hopefully we will get bikes soon and start the bike training, this is the part that worries me the most, and also start to do some bricks with swimming and biking and running all together.     

We also have two "vacations" planned for the summer.  We will be going to my brother and SIL's at the beginning of July to have a stay cation with my mom and dad, sister, her four children and them.  The only person missing will be my BIL, but he will be on a mission trip to Europe so we understand.  Then Stephen and I will have a early TPA (Texas Pharmacy Association) meeting/vacation.  It's more of a vacation for me and business with a mix of pleasure for him. 

So as this week comes to a close, I have a lot to look forward to over the next several months.  I will miss these Juniors so much, but I know God has something great planned for me next school year, just not sure what yet:)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day....I was pretty good this morning.  I opted to sit with my MIL and FIL rather than sing in the choir.  I only cried a bit during the service.  Thankfully the pastor's sermon was not focused on Mother's Day.

My sweet friend Tammi gave me a necklace and card for Mother's Day.  It's nice to have something specific to remind me of the baby.  I had been wanting to get some type of jewelry, even hoping Stephen could read my mind and know I wanted something, but he didn't and I hadn't gotten anything.  It was so thoughtful of her to think of me and I will treasure the necklace forever.

There have been several pregnancy announcements in my life over the past several days.  Some close friends others not.  My feelings are different on a case by case basis.  I seem to do better at not being bitter and having genuine excitement for those who are close to me.  For some reason it's the ones who aren't that are the target of my anger at the moment.

This too shall pass I know, but I wish I didn't feel this way.  I wish I had the perfect Christian reaction.

Tammi, my mom, and my sister are the only ones that told me happy mother's day.  I know to the world I am not a mom and I do and don't consider myself a mom.  It's a weird thing.  I had hoped Stephen would know I wanted him to tell my happy mother's day and I would have liked something like a card, but he's a guy and they process differently and I can't be mad because I did not tell him.

These are just a few of the things going through my head right now...

Nasty Hair Kinda Friends and My Workout Hero

I love having those kinda friends that you can have over even when you have nasty wet hair.  You know the kind that you don't send away when there is clean laundry on your couches that needs to be folded, the kitchen isn't immaculate, the floors haven't been vacuumed in a week, etc.

We love you Tammy, Ray and Sofia!  Thanks for taking us just as we are ;)

On another note, JoDee Woodcock is a ROCK STAR in and out of the pool.  We did about a 1700 swim today and then as I left to go home for company, she continued on over to Pecan Park to run three miles with Callie Berry.  She's my hero right now.  Hopefully I will be joining her next week with the dual workout but I'm pretty sure she will kick my butt!

Working Out

So when I found out I was pregnant I continued to workout the first few weeks like nothing was different.  My goal was to be that big fat and pregnant lady running down the street for all to see;)  However the morning/all day long sickness started to kick me on my butt.  I was doing good to run two days a week and a mile or two at a time.  It was very frustrating because I had been able to just go run five mile and not even think twice about it just weeks before.

I had to wait a week before I could start running again after my D&C.  Dr. Vineyard had told me it would be about two months before we would be able to start trying again, so in the mean time I wanted to do some type of training.  I decided on a half marathon June 10th.  Seemed like a great idea and the perfect amount of time.  The training started with running two miles and increased mileage quickly.  While my breathing was horrible that first week everything else was fine.  The second week the breathing was better and then the third week the breathing was great, but not the knee.  It was a Monday run and we were supposed to be going five miles.  My knee had starting hurting a little, but nothing too bad.  I'd been icing and hoping that would help.  Well a little short of four miles while my breathing was awesome and I think I could have gone three more miles if I had to, my knee thought otherwise.  It had hurt with every step of the run thus far, but then it almost completely gave out.  And so with that run my plan of running a half on June 10th went down the drain :( 

New plan...a sprint tri.  So if I can't run that long of a distance then lets do a sprint tri where I only have to run a 5K.  My friends Callie and JoDee had been running with me for the half so they decided to switch with me as well.  So while we aren't on an actual training plan just yet, we are getting our feet wet, literally.  JoDee and I started swimming two weeks ago, the biking will have to wait about another month till I get my SIL's to borrow.   Now I swam on swim team as a child and was fairly good at it, but that was a LONG time ago.  JoDee swam in college.  So I was a little intimidated for that first swim.  Would I be able to make it, would I drown?  So while I can't keep up with her on everything, especially the long distances I am learning that my sprinting is still there for the most part.  Best part about swimming, no hurting knee the next day! 

So before we start a specific tri training I'm going to have to actually get my knee checked out :(  I had surgery on it about four and a half years ago.  It doesn't hurt in the same place, but it's gotten out of control.  I've tried icing it and even rest, but nothing seems to give.  I'm crossing my fingers no surgery is needed, but my friend Charlotte who is a PTA says she's thinking it's my meniscus and I probably will need a scope.  She also says I'm going to have to realize that long distance running might not be able to continue to be my thing.  That makes me really sad. 

I started running in January of 2011, after telling Stephen I was going to run a 5K.  He kinda laughed as to say I'll believe it when I see it.  (He did see it, about two months later and then four months later he saw a 10K.)  I had not run since high school and quite frankly it's my least favorite thing to do and I had never run more than a mile without stopping.  That runner's high, I think it's all made up!  And while I still don't LOVE it, I love the way it makes me feel afterwards and I love that it gives me goals that I can work towards and achieve.  It's  the thing I can control in my life, the thing that has helped me to deal with my infertility.  That is why the idea of not being able to run makes me sad.  So I know it's crazy, but would you please pray that my knee is fixable and I will be able to eventually do a half.  I don't like setting a goal and then not reaching it.

In the mean time, the tri training shall continue and I am enjoying the swimming.  Who knows maybe Master's Swimming might be in my future ;)

Laughing when God Speaks

Ok so sometimes you just have to laugh when God speaks to you so clearly, laugh because it is so obvious and laugh at your little faith.

Stephen and I have this devotional routine where he reads the scripture and I read the devotional. Usually there is something one of us has never thought about or even a disagreement with the devotional writers ideas that we talk about. Well Monday and Tuesday nights were a little different. Both nights right before our devotional I read my blog post I had just posted to Stephen. Monday's two posts were about about the anger portion of the grief cycle and how I was hit by it this past Saturday unexpectedly and the second was about  believing God's promises when the unexpected happens.  Minutes after posting we started our devotion and I kid you not directly from my devotional that night I read,

"Do your thoughts dwell heavily today on your present circumstances? Do you feel weighed down by discouragement, weariness, and even impatience in your present situation? Fix your eyes firmly on our beloved Savior and eternal future and you will find the weight of your present circumstances will fade as they did for Jacob."

Stephen asked if I needed to go update my blog after the two posts I'd just written and laughingly said, "I think someone's trying to tell you something."

Then Tuesday night I posted about the call we received from the fertility clinic telling us we will have to wait six months after my Beta's reach zero to be able to begin trying again.  I have this issue with worst case scenario planning and doing the math and realizing how LONG it will be before I can hypothetically have a baby in my arms.  Well what do you know that nights devotional was entitled Come and See and the first lines of the devotion said,

"SOMETIMES FAITH HAS TO WAIT. Your heart's greatest desire is to be a mother.  Every month you wait.  The rhythm is torturous and always soul sinking....Israel had been waiting for a very long time.  The prophets had said the Lord's anointed was coming.  No one had ever waited like they had waited....After a long period of waiting, we are all cautious when our heart's desire finally arrives.  When you receive the good news, you  wonder, Can it really be?"

The scripture for this devotional was John 1:43-51.  It is where Philip declares to Nathanael they had found Jesus.  Nathanael asks could it really be and he is told to come and see.  While the devotional passage focused on the Messiah I just had to laugh when I read those opening lines.  Sometime faith has to wait...I mean I had just written two days earlier that the story of Abraham and Issac had taught me that, "I must believe [God's] promises because he's God and he doesn't lie."  That there is more to it than just obeying and believe is the same thing as having faith. 

After reading the devotional again I began to laugh out loud literally as Stephen again says, "I think someone's trying to tell you something."

So how cool is it that Sunday night I read and learn about Abraham and Issac and God reveals something new to me about the difference between obeying God and believing God, then Monday night after reflecting on my feelings of grief and despair, God speaks to me through that nights devotional and reminds me to fix my sights on the Savior and our eternal future and the weight of my present circumstances will fade away, and then finally Tuesday night after posting about the "bad news" from the fertility clinic He hits me with the sometimes faith has to wait comment and helps me to see the full circle connection to faith and believing His promises.

So while I have to laugh about my little faith and the irony of the devotionals which really isn't irony at all, I am hearing Him loud and somewhat clear.

Here's hoping tonight's devotional lets me off the hook a little and speaks to Stephen more so than to me;)

Six Months From Zero

The pathology report from my D&C suggested my pregancy was a partial molar pregnancy.  It's kinda confusing to explain, but basically it has to do with abnormal growth of the placenta.  This website gives a better explination.  I lost the baby at almost 11 weeks which seems a little late for a partial molar, but who knows and that is all just based off my internet research which I know you can't always trust.  Dr. Vineyard felt like the pathologist was erring on the side of caution, but because the report said molar he has to follow protocol which means I have to have my Beta tested every two weeks until it goes to zero.  In rare cases the placenta cells could start to act like cancer cells and begin to reproduce.  In that case they would have to do surgery again.  Fingers crossed that rare case is not mine!



Dr. Vineyard had said we would be able to start trying again after my levels went to zero and I had one natural cycle.  I just needed to call the Fertility Clinic and let them know what had happened so I could get back in the IUI rotation.  Well...after receiving the pathology report the Fertility Clinic called yesterday and we were told we have to continue to follow my Betas to zero and then six months from then we can start trying again.  This was NOT what I was expecting.  I was half heartily hoping he wouldn't agree with the path report and would say we could start again with our next cycle.  Obviously there is not an M.D. behind my name and for good reason, so I will have to trust my doctors.  I realize the Fertility Clinic sees hundreds of patients a year and I chose my doctor because of his record and knowledge, but I keep finding myself questioning, wishing for another anwer or another way.  Alas, we will just have to wait.



At the rate my Beta's have been falling...first check was 1200 and second check two weeks later was 900, who know's when I will hit zero.  I guess in some ways this does give some freedom.  We pretty much know for sure we will not be having a baby in 2012, and most likely not even in 2013.  I'm a planner and maybe that's one thing that God is trying to teach me, rather than planning to start trusting.  I can't help but keep doing the math...say I get to zero in another month (which would be a miracle)...June + 6 months = December + 9 months (on the off chance the first IUI works) = September 2013, but in reality going off of last year we did an IUI in December, had to take January off because of a cycst, and then did two IUI's in February and got our miracle.  The "realist" in me says the odds of a baby in 2013, are slim to none, but then there's always that little voice that wonders what if...what if my Beta goes to zero next week.  What if we get pregnant on the first IUI...so in the mean time of waiting I will be praying that 2013, despite all odds WILL be the year and I will also be looking for ways God can use Stephen and me as a childless couple that he wouldn't othersiwe be able to if we had one!

Warning...Greif Cycle Alert!

It's been a month since my D&C.  I thought I had been doing really well moving through the grief cycle and had actually skipped the anger and moved to acceptance, that is until the pregnant lady got out of her car in front of Kennedy's Saturday afternoon.  There I sat with Lerin and Catherine working the sidewalk sale minding my own business when all of a sudden anger reared it's ugly head at the sight of this woman.  Everything inside of me looked at her with disgust.  Who did she think she was with her cute pregnant belly to be walking down the street and stop at our store.  Wow, those were not the thoughts and feelings I had expected to have that day.  I thought I had moved pasted those feelings months ago. 

About a year ago I would have expected those emotions because that's pretty much how I felt about all pregnant women at the time, but this time I was not ready for it.  I have not felt that way in months and had come to a place were I was truly joyous for the people I knew and saw that were expecting. 

So I ask you to please pray for me.  I don't want to be angry and I worked really hard to get past the months of anger I had stored up over the first year and a half of our struggle.  It's not anything personal towards those who are expecting and it's not them I am angry at, it's the circumstances and quite honestly at the end of the day it's God.  I know God's a big boy and he can handle my anger and for that I am grateful, but I don't want to be angry. Like I wrote in my last post, I am trying to not just obey, but believe in God's promises and he promises to work all things for my good, which means all this will be used for my good.  Pray that I can move that heart knowledge to my head!

So, this is a public service announcement....All women with cute pregnant bellies, keep a safe distance of 100 yards from the crazy fertility challenged women!

Believeing God's Promises When the Unexpected Happens

Wow, what a title.  Stephen and I had stopped doing our daily devotionals together that we had started at the beginning of the year.  Partially because I had been so sick for about a month and a half when I was pregnant and I was on a completely different sleep pattern than he was (we do them right before we go to bed) and partially because after my miscarriage I just didn't feel like studying the word with him or myself.  Every day I would see the devotional siting on the night stand and think, "I don't want to do that, I don't really care what it has to say," and then slowly I began to think, "I want us to start our devotionals together."  So we started back this past week and what do ya know, the first devotional's title was, "Believing God's Promises When the Unexpected Happens."

The Devotional covered Genesis 22, the story of Abraham and Issac.  I've read this story hundreds of time as a child and as an adult.  I've always thought of it as a great lesson of how we should obey God, but after reading this writers take I realized there is a difference between obeying and believing God.  Yes Abraham was obeying God's when he took his son up on the hill to be sacrificed, but more importantly he was believing God.  The book of Hebrews 11:17-19, says Abraham believed God's promises so strongly that he reasoned God would even bring Isaac back from the dead if necessary because God had promised him that through Issac there would come a great nation. Huh, I'd never thought of it that way.  This story is more of a story of belief than obedience. 

So I guess it helped me to realize that while I can try and obey God all day long there is more to it.  I must believe his promises because he's God and he doesn't lie.  It's one of those "duh" concepts that I know, but needed to be reminded of again.  And while God has not promised Stephen and I a child, he has promised that he will make all things work for the good of those who love him and so I will continue to work towards believe that!  And I use the word work because while I know this to be true in my heart, sometimes there is a disconnect between there and my head.