I vividly remember the day I found out I was pregnant. Unlike every other month for the previous two years, I didn't wake up early in the morning to do a pregnancy test the "day" I thought I could possibly find out I was pregnant. While we had done IUI's two days in a row that month, for some reason I just didn't and it was almost an after thought that day. I came home from school around ten and bought a test on the way home. I didn't even tell Stephen I was going to take it. I did the pee on a stick ritual and rather than walking away to wait, I watched as the urine was absorbed back into the stick and the pink test line began to appear. I can so vividly remember that second line just seconds afterward begin to show. For the previous 27 months I had taken at least two tests per month if not more and I cannot tell you how many times I had looked at that line and tried to will the second one to appear.Having never had a positive pregnancy test I had no clue how quickly it would appear. I would often look at it so hard and think, "is that another line trying to show through?!" I had imagined what I might feel like if it did appear and now I know. When it appears, it appears and in that one moment there is joy and relief, at least in my circumstances. All the trips to Shreveport and the exhaustion of the last two years was over. I remember that moment well.
I remember walking into the pharmacy in the middle of the day and asking Stephen if he could come out front to talk. I slipped the stick out of my pocket and began to cry. They were happy tears as well as tears of relief.
That afternoon I went walking with my neighbor Andrea. We had been trying to get together since I had moved in this was the first time we were able to make it happen. We caught up on life and I told her about our fertility issues. What I wanted to say was, "I just literally just found out the last treatment worked!" What I said was "I'm going to Shreveport this afternoon to have some more labs done."
I remember the appointment where it was confirmed the pregnancy was not ectopic. I had told the nurses I didn't feel like I could be excited until I knew it wasn't ectopic. And I was right. The unhindered excitement and relief happened at that appointment.
The most exciting day of all was that appointment with Stephen when we heard the heartbeat. I was excited when we were on our way, but I didn't know how it would make me feel. As Dr. Vandermolen turned the volume up we heard that bum bum, bum bum, bum bum of the beat loud and clear. I didn't realize how loud it would be. It was in that moment that I truly felt connected to the life that was growing in me. I was in love with my baby. I wasn't scared anymore. We had arrived, we had beaten the odds.
How naive of me.
I remember laying on the table asking Dr. Vineyard if I had mentioned at the last appointment that Stephen was now working at M & S and we had just moved back to town. He began the ultrasound as we were conversing. The conversation came to a halt, not abruptly but recognizably. I knew. He didn't even have to say. The first thing out of my mouth was, "At least we were pregnant. We've never been able to say that before, so this is still a good thing." I guess that was my coping mechanism for the moment as I laid there, by myself, without Stephen, realizing my worst fear about the pregnancy had come true. I called Stephen and he came to the office immediately. We cried together and made the decision to do a D&C the next morning.
These are just a few of the collection of memories I have. It was a short ten weeks and yet it was a long ten weeks. I'd give anything to have those ten weeks back, to have a life growing in me again, awful morning sickness and all.
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