Two years ago I was in the midst of what so far has been the worst part of this infertility journey. I vividly remember not wanting to go over to my in-laws for meals. When the whole Wyatt clan gets together there is not enough room for everyone at the dinning table so we have to put two people at the extra table. Naturally that is the couple who doesn't have kids. There was about a year period where I dreaded this scenario. As we would sit and eat I would feel so isolated and left out. No one was leaving me out, it wasn't like we weren't part of the table conversation but at times I felt like we had been banished to the "couples without kids" table. Obviously this is not the case, but the feelings were still there. I would sit and look at everyone talking and taking care of their kids and realize I had nothing exciting to offer, just me. Life was not fair. (Jane, please do NOT hear me saying we don't want to sit at our little table! I love the little table and it has become "our" place and I don't want that to change. It has a whole new meaning to me these days!)
I've come a long way in the past two years and gotten out of my angry/jealous stage, for the most part, but unfortunately those feelings still creep up sometimes. This weekend seemed to be one of those times. It wasn't anything anyone did and there was nothing that could have helped stop those feelings. I think it's because we celebrated my nephew's third birthday. I remember the day he was born, going to the hospital that night. Up until that point I was completely content to be child free and still planning to stick with our five year plan. But something changed in me that weekend. As I sat and held him in the hospital and then his first day home, a little part of me began to wonder," maybe we shouldn't wait five years." It was over the next month that I thought over our five year plan and God completely changed my desires. I wanted a baby and not in two more years, now.
So I think it was Jack's birthday and the realization that we are almost to the three year mark that made me hyper sensitive this weekend. I found myself thinking it's not fair, over and over.
I know my heavenly Father has been looking over me this weekend shaking His head. Like I've written before, the truth is that if life was fair, God would not have sent his only son to die for my sins on the cross. What's fair about perfect Jesus having to die a cruel death because of MY imperfection and sin.
So as I find myself creeping slowly back towards that place of anger and resentment at my situation, I must ultimately find gratitude in the fact that life is not fair. And remember that just because God has not blessed me with a child does not mean he's cursing me; it just means he's chosen to give me different blessings at this time.
If you don't mind, please pray for my heart. Pray that I will not be consumed with the "life's not fair" syndrome and that I can focus on the blessings God has given me at this time!
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