Greif Cycle

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"                                        

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Worship was wonderful today!  Our pastor is doing a series called Dancing with the Scars.  Last week he spoke on Dysfunctional Families and this week Divorce.  While I tend to think my family is very functional and I have been blessed to not have to deal with divorce in my immediate family (praise God my parents have been married for 35+ years, my in-laws for 45 this summer, and all my siblings are happily married) I was able to take so much away from each of these sermons.  Not just how to be compassionate and empathetic to those in these situations, but also little bits that can be applied to my life situation right now.

The first point of today's sermon on Divorce was:  Work Through The Stages of Grief.  As the pastor began to list the stages (Shock, Denial, Depression, Anger, Guilt, and Acceptance) I couldn't help but think over the past two years and see that cycle played out in my life. 

Shock:  When we first realized getting pregnant wasn't going to be quite as easy as the world makes it appear (mind you in my first year of teaching tenth grade I had three teenagers who were already parents and four who were pregnant in my classroom) I think the stage of shock was rather short.  After that first doctors appointment it hit me that it wasn't going to be so easy, but I quickly moved to stage two.

Denial:  Yes, while I had been given the reason no pregnancy had occurred thus far (I was not ovulating and have PCOS (later we would find out about my endometriosis)) these things were easily corrected with a simple pill and the denial stage for me began.  This wasn't really happening to me and we were not infertile, just "challenged."  I think this stage lasted about four months and then came the depression.

Depression:  In some ways my depression also went simultaneously along with my anger.  As I was reading back in my journal a little yesterday, I was reminded of the pain and hurt I felt during this time.  Well meaning friends and even family members would often ask when Stephen and I were planning to have kids (two of my SIL's had their first pregnancies and babies during our first year of struggle).  I would just tell them we had things we wanted to do before we had kids and try to end the conversation as quickly as possible; later that night I would go home and cry my eyes out.  I didn't want to be around pregnant people, I didn't want to be around babies and I didn't want to read about pregnancy announcements.  While I was truly happy for those in my life God had chosen to bless at this time, it was just hard for me to be around it.

Anger:   Anger at God, anger at anyone that was pregnant, anger at the doctor, anger at Eve for offering Adam the apple, anger consumed my life.  There was a good two month period that I didn't want anything to do with God.  Everyone says children are a blessing from the Lord and in my mind if that was true, then he was not blessing Stephen and me; he was cursing us because the opposite of a blessing is a curse.  (Oh how our human logic is so twisted and man oh man, was Satan having a field day with that thought process.)  But praise the Lord that while I was still angry at God I knew deep inside that he loved me regardless of my anger towards him and that he was still God and he was still on his Thrown!
       "For I am certian that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present  
         nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, 
         will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

Guilt:  As I moved away from anger it really is crazy how I naturally moved towards guilt.  I began to think, "Of course God had not given us a child.  I had weak faith."  Then I would circle back to anger and begin to blame God for not giving me a baby.  These thoughts then turned into, "what can I do to make God give me a baby."  Could I read my bible more, could I pray more, could I do more community service.  The answer to all these questions was obviously no and praise Jesus for that! 

Acceptance:  The move to acceptance was a long journey and oh how grateful I am to be here (though I will say that with each cycle of treatments you go through a mini grief cycle).  This step came from the help of reading an amazing book called Hannah's Hope.  It is a great resource that follows the story of Hannah's journey through infertility and gives great wisdom and advice on how to deal with and react to the realities of your situation (along with giving advice to friends and family on how to walk alongside you in this journey).  As I read through the book,  it seemed to explain exactly what I was feeling and helped me to realize I was not crazy.  It was actually rather normal and okay to feel this way. 

So What Has This Journey Taught Me?
Several months back, randomly while I was taking a shower, God spoke to me so clearly and vividly.  One of the things I have struggled with most during this season is  the idea of fairness.  Here's the Facebook post I wrote about it...
      When I was young I would tell my mom, "that's not fair," and her response would be, "life's not fair."
      It always bothered me because I like fairness and evenness. It hit me today that I should be grateful life  
      is not fair, because if it was Christ would not have died on the cross for my sins. What is fair about our
      Heavenly father having to sacrifice his perfect son for my messed up self?
     
     "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died    
       for us."    

   Romans 5:8

The reality is that Stephen and I do not deserve to have a child, but neither does anyone else.  Children are a blessing from the Lord, but they are not the only blessing he gives and the lack there of does not mean we are cursed.  This is all part of the plan He has for us and that plan is good. 

        "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have 

         been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

My favorite line from the song Blessings reads, 

       "What if my greatest disappointments
        Or the aching of this life
        Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy"

If you've made it this far (I realize this was a way too long post), I want to encourage you that God loves you ever so much and he wants good for you.  While you might not see that at this very moment and regardless of whether or not you believe it, it is true.  He is on his thrown and he is look on you with loving eyes, calling you to himself.

         "Come to me, all you who are wary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28