National Infertility Awareness Week: Aprill 22-28

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I want to share a few things with you that Stephen and I have learned over the past two and  a half years.

First off it is estimated that between one in six to one in ten couples suffer from infertility.  That means the odds are you know someone who is currently or has in the past experienced infertility; however, because it is an extremely hard and often private matter you may never know.  A couple is usually considered infertile if pregnancy has not occurred after one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.

There are three ways that infertility can be resolved...

1. Eventually a couple will conceive...either naturally or with ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technologies).
2. Finding alternative ways of becoming a parent like adoption or foster care.
3. Choosing to become CAT (Complete As Two).

Often times people do not know what to say to someone who suffers from infertility.  Often well meaning comments sting deep, especially for those infertiles at the beginning of their journey.  For myself I have come to a place where I choose to hear what someone means to say and not what they actually say, but it has taken me a long time to get here.  I've compiled a short list of what not to say based off my own experiences and the many books I've read and conversations I've had with those in the same boat...

1.  When are you going to have children? 

• This Saturday Stephen and I will have been married for five years.  That means for half of our married life we have been TTC (Trying To Conceive).  While the above question seems to be an innocent one, and for most is, it can be very hurtful to someone suffering from infertility.  At the beginning of this journey I often lied and told people we didn't want kids yet or we had things we wanted to get done before we had kids.  The truth was, we are trying desperately to no avail.  It is an uncomfortable question and while I am now at a place of complete transparency with our struggle, it took me about two years to get to this point.  A good option when meeting a couple or person for the fist time is to say, "Tell me about yourself."  This way if they are married, have kids, or work outside of the home they will tell you and you will not offend with questions like are you married, do you have kids, what do you do for a living. 

2.  You can always adopt/I knew a couple who after years of trying adopted and then found out they
            were pregnant.

• First, adoption is not a quick fix to infertility and it is not for everyone.  While adoption does put a baby in the arms of an infertile couple, it is extremely expensive and there are still issues of loss associated with adoption.  While Stephen and I personally are not against adoption and were already open to the idea before when knew about our infertility, at this point I am not ready to give up the dream of physically carrying a baby. 
• Second,while everyone knows someone or knows of someone who has become pregnant naturally after adopting, it is actually a rare instance.  Different studies show that only 3%-10% of couples who adopt due to fertility issues will become pregnant on their own.  So while you might know someone this has happened to, the statistics are not in an infertile couples favor.

3.  You're still young.

• Yes, while 27 is relatively young it does not change my hearts to desire to be a mom.  If I was 20 and already suffering from infertility, the pain would still be the same.  Age is really irrelevant when it comes to the desire to be a parent and the inability to do so.

4.   I bet you're having fun trying!

• This is far from the truth. While sex is an awesome thing, when you have been TTC for an extended time period it becomes a chore and often a drain on your marriage relationship.  

5.   If you just stop trying and relax it will happen.

• For the majority of couples who do not conceive within the first year, there is a physical problem keeping them from doing so and no amount of stress relief, relaxing, or vacations will correct that problem.

6.  Is your husband shooting blanks?

• While you might be trying to make light of the situation, this can be one of the most insensitive and hurtful comments.  While a larger majority of those suffering from infertility are experiencing female factor infertility, those who are experience male factor or a combination of the two can be extremely hurt by this comment.  While it might seem like a funny joke at the time, it can be taken as an attack on our husband's manhood!  And trust me, my husband is a man's man!

7.   At least you have the freedom to do what you want, when you want.

• While I enjoy being able to sleepm in on Saturdays till noon and being able to go on vacations and have people over any night of the week, I would give almost anything to not be able to do these things because I had a child.  (Now please hear me, those of you with children who dream of those former days of freedom certainly have a right to do so.  Being a parent is hard and you need to be able to "complain" and express your frustrations, but your infertile friend is really not the best person to express these feeling to.) 

8.  You wouldn't want all this morning sickness anyway.

• From my recent personal experience of a month and a half of being sick as a dog, yes I would.  (This is not to minimize what you are going through and how awful it is, because believe me I do know and it is!)  I know this statement is trying to make us feel better, but please don't presume what I would and would not do for a child.  Truth is I have endured more doctors appointment's, uncomfortable conversations, injections, blood draws and procedures than I would have ever imagined possible, but right now they are all worth it.

9.   Maybe it's just not meant to be.

• You know, you are right, maybe God does not intend for us to have children; however, at this point in my life I am not ready to hear that and it is not a comforting statement.  To be quite blunt, you are NOT God and so you cannot speak for him. 

10.  When are you going to have more children?

• There is a thing called Secondary Infertility.  It is estimated that over 3 million Americans suffer from it.  Please do not assume a couple with just one child only wants one.  Your suggestions of how close one should have children together or questions of when another will be on its way can be extremely hurtful for those who long to have another child.    

And for those who have beaten infertility and had a baby....

11.   At least you have one child.

• The truth is if you were to ask newly weds how many children they would like to have later in life, the majority will answer with more than one.  It is rare for a couple to want an only child.  So yes, for those who have suffered through infertility and brought home a baby, the desire to have another child does not go away and it also does not make us selfish.  So please do not belittle our desire to have another.

These are just a few of the things we infertiles hear on a fairly regular basis and a glimpse at what we might be thinking on the inside. While I cannot speak for every infertile, I can speak from my experience and in generalities.  What I have written might not be true for everyone, but what I'd like for you to get out of it is a little understanding of how well meaning comments can come across as hurtful.  Please do not be offended by an infertiles response to these statements and know none of these statements are targeted at anyone in particular in my life!  They are just a combination of personal experience and from conversations with others exeperiencing infertility. 

Here are a few things you can do....

1. Ask us how you can pray for us.
2. Don't minimize our desire to be parents, rather affirm that desire and encourage us in our journey.
3. Let us change the subject when it's becoming too uncomfortable and not take offense to it.
4. Let us know you care.
5. Keep what we share with you between just us, unless we give permission for you to share with others.
6. Let us know you don't understand what we are going through.  Sometimes that's the most comforting thing!
7. Just listen.
8. Cry with us.

Again, I cannot speak for everyone, but I want you to be informed.  If you have not suffered from infertility there is no reason for you know know these things.  I was guilty of saying these things about infertiles before it became my journey.  One of the biggest things I've learned so far is truly you cannot judge someone till you've walked in their shoes.