When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden

I picked up this book back in November at a Women's Conference at DTS.  At the time Stephen and I had just hit our two year mark of TTC (trying to conceive) and were waiting for our first appointment with the specialist in Shreveport.  I had already read two other amazing book on infertility (Hannah's Hope and The Infertility Companion) but this was the first one I had seen that focused on the couple rather than the woman or just being medical facts.  What I love about the book is that it is co-authored by a woman who has experienced all the ups and downs of infertility and a medical doctor who specialized in fertility and yet has a seminary degree.  Their bios from the back of the book read as follows...
   
Sandra Glahn, ThM, serves on the faculty at Dallas Seminary, where she edits the award winning magazine Kindred Spirit.  A PhD candidate at the University of Texas at Dallas, she is the author of the Coffee Cup Bible Studies series and coauthor of seven books about marriage and reproductive issues, including Sexual Intamacy in Marriage.

William Cutrer, MD, is a licensed obstetrician/gynecologist who specialized in the treatment of infertility for more than fifteen years.  He also holds a graduate degree form Dallas Theological Seminary, is an ordained minister, and serves as the Gheens Professor of Christian Ministry at Southern Baptist Seminary.  Dr. Cutrer has authored or coauthored nine books inlucing, The Church Leader's Handbook.

The book hits several topics from how men and women grieve differently, how to strengthen your marriage during infertility, how to deal with inappropriate comments from outsiders, the "why me" question, dealing with pregnancy loss, and even a close look at the major moral issues facing those who want to pursue treatment.  

I started reading the book back in November and got 3/4 of the way finished.  I stopped reading with only three chapters left:  When the Cradle is Empty:  Pregnancy Loss, For those who Parent :Exclusion or Empathy, and When Resolution Doesn't Mean Conception.  At the time I didn't feel the urgency to finish the book and really didn't see how it applied to me at that point.  And I was right that it did not apply to me at the time, but I knew those last chapters were still there ready to be read and I had been putting it off, until this weekend.  As I packed my bag for my choir trip to Indiana I saw the book sitting there asking to be finished.  So I picked it up and put it in my purse.  After finishing the last chapters I went back and looked at everything I had underlined.  It's amazing how I can just read one sentence and remember almost exactly why I underlined it.  So here are a few things I found myself rereading and how I feel about them...

• Men's reactions to infertility are delayed by about three years from their wives reactions.

• I found this statement more interesting when I read it earlier this week than when I read it last November seeing as how we are coming up on our three year mark. 

• The Man's loss with infertility is the loss of a secondary role since his primary role is provider.  

• In contrast, the loss I feel is primary.  I have always longed to be a stay at home mom and have several children.  As a wife I have seen this role as my primary role. 

•  I can think constantly about infertility while still going about my daily routine.  Everything I do is filtered through that lens.
• I wish it wasn't that way, but infertility is now my identity.  Just like if I was a mother my identity would be mom and everything I would do would be filtered through that lens.   

• There is a 41% increase in conflict between spouses and a decline in marital satisfaction when diagnosed with infertility.  
• I am thankful to God every day that this statistic does not apply to Stephen and I, but it is a real possibility so I ask for your prayers that we do not experience this part of the struggle.

• On a positive note, most couples who survive the infertility crisis find their marriages MORE satisfying.
• I feel like we are in this boat already and this has not only brought us closer to God but also closer to one another.

•  Genesis 2:24 talks about leaving and cleaving and becoming one flesh.
• It is so comforting to know that Stephen did not marry me to have children with me, he married me because he loved me and I because I loved him.  Yes while we want children they are not the primary reason we got married and in that I find comfort!

• Even though our infertility diagnosis centers around me it is still "our" problem.
• I am so grateful that through this all Stephen has shared the burden and never left me feeling like I was alone or at fault.

• You must separate lovemaking from babymaking.
• This is probably TMI, but I have a hard time with this one.  Like I've written before in the "What Not to Say" post, the "at least you're having fun trying" statement is often far from the truth.  Treatments can be exhausting and at times it feels like there is a third party in your bed, the doctor.  I try and make a conscious effort to separate these two things but it's really hard to do.  This is probably one of the places I struggle the most.

• How do you strengthen your relationship during inferitlity, start by remembering who is most important.
• God and then Stephen!  So focusing on these two can help keep things in perspective.  I've said it often that Stephen is enough.  It doesn't mean I don't deeply and I mean deeply desire to have a baby, but if God chooses otherwise (but I pray he doesn't) he has given me an amazing man to spend the rest of my life with and for that I am eternally grateful!

• You must be careful to not enter the "suffering Olympics."
• This is with Stephen and with others.  All pain is real and legitimate when it is experienced and I must make sure not to minimize others pain because I don't see it as being as big or important as my own.

• "If you take a break from one cycle, you will lose the only chance you will ever have to conceive."
• This is a lie I know Satan has used on me a time or two and in some ways it's the way I feel about this six month wait we are currently in.  But at the end of the day I know that God already knows how this plays out and breaks can and are good not only for my body, but also for Stephen and my's relationship.

• The desire to adopt does not always happen at the same time for husband and wife.
• We won't necessarily come to this desire at the same time and that is okay.  We just have to be patient with one another and honest with how we feel.

• "If a couple goes through the whole process holding their marriage together and emerging stronger, they may not achieve pregnancy, but in life they are a great success story."
• This statement brings me so much comfort.  Regardless, Stephen and I will have a success story!

• "Did you know one study indicates that fertility patients are second only to cancer patients in what they are willing to endure for a cure."
• If you know me and how I feel about needles then you begin by a fraction to understand this statement (however please DO NOT think I am comparing myself to a cancer patient, only that I see how this statement can play out in terms of lengths of time and amounts of money many fertility patients are willing to spend.)

• The more optimistic an infertility patient is at the beginning of a cycle, the harder they crash at the end.
• This resonates so much with me and unfortunately this is what robs the joy from any good news that I get.  I try to be indifferent when going through treatment and expect that it won't work.  When I get my hopes up I endure a much hard sucker punch when it doesn't take. 

• God is big enough to handle my anger and disappointment towards him.  
• I can be mad at God because he's a big boy.  And sometimes I just have to let it out.  At the end of the day I know he loves me and I know his truths, but it's okay to have moments of frustration and brutal honesty with my Savior.

• "People frequently ask how far along you were assuming the further you were the more difficult the loss."
• This is one of the things that I have a hard time with because even if I had miscarried at six weeks my pain would still have been real and the same.  Loss is loss no matter how you cut it and my baby was a human being who was loved and wanted more than anything in this world.

These were just a few things I had underlined and highlighted in the book.  It helps me to read and see that my feelings are not crazy and others experience them too.  My prayer is that Stephen and I come out of this stronger and with a deeper relationship with one another and with God.